Seven Shades of Wrong

Straight Thinking

2012-01-30T17:51:00.000Z

Sometimes things happen in life that have no explanation, we just need to accept what will be will be. Loose woman Denise Welch, winner of the latest Big Brother apparently turned her gay friend straight after a fumble in the back of a taxi. Oh the images that brings to mind, it's enough to turn me gay(er).

It got me thinking, what would it take to 'shock' me into doing what god intended my body to do? I better cross Denise off the list now, much like a disposable camera she was good for a one off use and the rest of us gays will have to crawl to bed with another one of those daytime TV monsters and hope for the best.

I suppose a gun to my head might do the trick, to be honest I would definitely have to thumb it in. I flop under too much pressure.

Being paid a lot of money to sleep with a woman? As long as she doesn't mind me having the notes scattered around our love nest I think I could achieve climax (The reverse side of a £50 note has Matthew Bolton and James Watt looking away from each awkwardly, with a little imagination I can see them giving each other a 'helping hand'. Hot.)

Being tricked into sleeping with a woman could work in theory, Hollywood seems to think it's possible. I think about the time I realise 'It' doesn't go into my mouth but I go into 'It' would be the moment that plan falls apart.

Watching porn while we give it a shot is likely to work, as long as it's something with water sports. I rarely get anything above a 90° angle without seeing someone splashed in piss.

Without the assistance of a 53 year old Loose woman I don't think I'm going to get far. Oh well, the thought cost nothing.

Lesson Learnt

2011-12-21T19:03:00.002Z

A woman has been jailed for two years for killing a 9 year old girl on her first driving lesson, I read the headline and I wasn't prepared for the heap of wrong that lay within. The woman went out on a driving lesson with her husband after having only completed some online theory questions. People do this often, but usually it's somewhere children won't get killed. I did it in a car park, I drove the car straight into a bollard. That's not the point, the car was fixed and the bollard wasn't alive so no-one was hurt long term. The emotional scarring does cause me to wake up screaming at night, but there isn't a dead child on my conscience just a whole array of other guilty feelings.

Here's another dash of wrong, apparently the car was going very fast and upon needing to brake....the learner didn't know how to. "She did not know how to apply the brake pedal; she could not find the brake pedal; she did not know where it was or what purpose it served"

That's pretty basic stuff right there, infact if I was unsure before getting in the car I might like to ask how to slow down something that I can make reach speeds of upto and over 100mph. I understand the blind panic as she was heading towards the children's play area but not knowing what purpose the brake pedal served is just beyond my scope of thinking.

"When challenged by the police the learner was unable to say which pedal was the brake"

To be honest having got to the stage she did she had used two of the three pedals available to her, having not been able to stop the car with those she should have taken a wild guess at which one it may have been.

I'm not making fun of this situation, I'm just stating that this is a whole heap of wrong. I don't know who to blame, the courts have decided that the learner is at fault which of course she is. Not just for being behind the wheel, but for allowing herself to get behind the wheel without knowledge of the very basics of driving. The husband is not legally to blame, but he is far from innocent.

The parents of the victim have accepted that the incident was not intentional, they are far more forgiving than most. The learner may not have set out to kill, but nor would the toddler you hand a gun to.

Swagger in the opposite direction bitch

2011-08-08T16:38:00.000+01:00

In writing this blog I am becoming one of the people that the lyrical genius that is Cher Lloyd takes great pride in slagging off the whole way through that musical disaster 'Swagger Jagger'. I'm a hater as she puts it, except I only hate her because of this song. I had no opinion either way before she released this horrible attack on all of my senses.

It's not that original to base a song around the negative attention you have received in the past, so don't smile too broadly thinking you have done something to blow us all away you smug twat. It's been done better as well, it has no real sound to it. I suppose that's not entirely true, it does sound like a truck load of utter prick.

Now see what this wonky faced scrotum face has made me do? She's made me get angry for no good reason over something I don't really give a fuck about. And I keep swearing to make a point, this is that crooked faced whores fault. Pardon my French.

The only reason I heard this song is because I read on the BBC NEWS website that it reached number one, I had to have myself a listen. After all the UK music lovers wouldn't blow their hard earned cash on total shit would they? Oh how wrong I've turnt out to be. I can't think of a song in recent memory that has made me feel so worthless, angry, upset and distraught all in one sitting.

The laughable thing is that it's not like she's an unlikeable person with a stunning voice, she's still an unlikeable cunt but with a voice of a long forgotten vocalist on 90's dance track. There's nothing special about her apart from that she stirs up the hidden rage in all of us. I can't put my finger on it, on the odd occasion I watched X Factor (Okay I watched it every week) I was rooting for her. I mean I wasn't rooting to the extent that I picked up the phone and voted for any one of those grainy voiced horrors on the screen but I sat there, nodded and said she's alright. How wrong I was, she has sailed into the number one postition on the basis that everyone hates her. I hate that she has managed it, I hate that I now can't put the radio on incase I hear this fuckery and I hate that people dislike me and yet I haven't made a penny out of it.

As the little fuckwit whines,

"You can't stop clickin 'bout me
Writin' 'bout me, tweeting 'bout me"

You're right. I've fallen into the pit of originality that you crawled out of you awful, awful person.

Are you fox real?

2011-06-29T18:49:00.002+01:00

I wanted to write this when it was front page news, but instead I've spent my weekend raising money for charity and building monuments in memory of great historians. No that's not true is it, I've just been laying in my own filth feeling sorry for myself.

Incase you've been living under a rock or you read actual news you may have missed the story of the fox that was found living in the top of Britain's tallest skyscraper. How this got to be news in the first place is beyond me but the coverage it's received is unreal. It's a fox living in a construction site, it's the premise for a pretty shitty children's television programme. A cross between a poor man's Basil brush and The Apprentice, wait a minute I'm posting that off to CITV, the crap they put me through as a kid will warrant this crock of piss being commissioned (Wizadora I'm looking at you, slut.)

Anyway I digress, The Sun refers to the fox as "DEATH-DEFYING". Exactly how it justifies this I'm not sure, I highly doubt this fox climbed the building hoping for a cheap thrill though I haven't personally spoken to him due to the queue of media types outside his fox hole.The Sun also refers to the fox as a '...lookalike for the animated hero of 2009 flick The Fantastic Mr Fox'. Are they being super serial? Of course it does, it's a film about a fox. The animal came first, this isn't a chicken or egg scenario.

Someone called Sean Hamilton has a small piece in the article describing how frightening the experience of going up to the top is and questioning how the fox managed 2 weeks up there. It's a fox, it's a fucking fox. It could spend 6 months in shit if necessary or a weekend in Lakeside shopping centre if it had the funds, Jesus!

The Evening Standard published it's worries that the fox may be returning to the shard, unfinished business perhaps? Maybe he was measuring up for future office space for his up and coming Foxxy G-string company? Apparently the fox was seen 'glancing at the shard' but then walking away in the opposite direction. Do foxes really glance? Does this furry ginger ball of urban decay really glance at buildings thinking 'I'll be up inside you one day'. Me thinks not.

To finish this all off a spokesman for the Shard explains that the gates are constantly open and it would be difficult to make it fox proof. Is this really happening? Because one fox managed to get to the top there is even talk of fox proofing the place? That'll be money well spent.

The Joy of Teen Sex?

2011-02-08T18:25:00.003Z

According to Channel 4 the joy of teen sex is parading teens about on television while they tell us they have never had sex or they have too much, or they don't know how to do it or what to put where. It's times like these I remember how educational Big Brother was.

In it's defense it is what it is, no-one who watches this programme is hoping to learn something. Admit it, this and Embarrassing Bodies are just an excuse for you to look at parts of humans you didn't know existed. It makes you feel better because you last longer than 2 minutes in bed or you don't have a particularly angry skin disease, others are worse off and hallelujah it's on the telebox for us to sit and point at.

In walks Ronnie, worried about the size of his penis. He need not worry, he has enough on his plate. Talking of plates, his head resembles one.

He also wears a very revealing top, sadly what it reveals is that the boy likes a take away or ten. A day. It's not that he's fat, he just hasn't got the frame for one of those tops. Those tops are for men who like steriods instead of a Big Tasty at breakfast time, they do also have small willies so he's halfway there.

Now for someone who is worried about the size of his genetalia he seems pretty happy to show it off, sending it to strangers off of his online profile (me thinks this isn't Facebook). This online humiliation got him LOL'D at. What a world we live in, all this online exposure. I remember the days when a sunny day at the park wearing an oversized trench coat was the receipe for success, rape success yes but beggers can't be choosers.

He goes onto scar us all for life by telling us what part he plays in the great big old game of gay sex, bottom incase you're interested. Apparently no-one complains about the size of his penis, but then again it's not got a great role to play if he bottoms, it just limply sways in the wind.

Upon the suggestion that he looks at some 'normal penis's' he almost jumps up and crashes back down to earth with excitement, maybe they'll be some more candidates to become one of his 'profile friends'. No dear, it's time to look at a wall of cocks. It's like a montage of X-factor winners hanging on the wall. Ronnie goes on to dicuss his disgust at receiving photos of knobs on chat rooms, now now Ronnie don't be coy. Those chat rooms aren't for fans of Gardeners weekly now are they? He knew he was getting a face full of foreskin when he logged on with his pants down by his ankles.

The show then goes on to show him ways of doing sex proper like if he ever decides to be a top, the woman explains that certain positions will work better for someone of his size. After convincing moon head that he is a normal size they contridict theirself by telling him what he needs to do so that his partner will actually be able to feel it.

Anyway it's on YOUTUBE, link below for those who have been itching to see the wall of cocks since I mentioned them

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-UCSu03ws0&list=SL

Tokyo's 'oldest man' was a corpse

2010-07-29T21:38:00.003+01:00

This has to be the best headline I've read today, oh okay then all week. I thought maybe it was just hilariarse bait that would lead on to quite a boring story. Not the case, this is simply fantastic!

The first paragraph of this story is the following,

'He was thought to be the oldest man in Tokyo - but when officials went to congratulate Sogen Kato on his 111th birthday, they uncovered mummified skeletal remains lying in his bed'

Apparently this poor git could have been dead for 30 years. This raises obvious questions over the willy-nillyness of the Japanese who don't need to see you for a few decades and yet are happy to give you the title of the oldest living man. I have come up with other possible titles that are being handed out like vials of oxegen...

Fattest Man- Authorities discovered that the fattest man in Tokyo is infact of average weight and just wears the wrong sort of clothing. A personal shopper has been arranged.

Hairiest Woman- Turns out she went for a haircut about 2 months ago

Quietest man- This is that 30 year old corpse again

Woman with longest legs- Discovered to be a billboard poster. This also destroyed the records held for 'Tallest woman', 'Woman with biggest face' and 'Tokyo's only person to be stalked by giant logos of brandnames'

Okay that's me done. For the real story which is quite macabre follow this link, http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-10809128

Too hot to handle

2010-07-02T17:10:00.002+01:00

First off, I don't want people telling me that I moan all through winter and then when the sun comes out i'm still moaning. True, I do moan all through winter. I moan through every season, I hate everything!

Now that we have got the legal stuff out of the way I must continue to moan because JESUS it's hot out! The following is a list of things that have made me rather upset since the sun decided to start hugging the earth:

I have noticed how much weight i've put on, the rest of the year I have merrily been eating everything in the fridge without a second though. I've been fully clothed, I sleep in the dark and when I shower the glass is so misty I trick myself into thinking that I'm slim and handsome. When it gets hot I strip day and night and all I can see is my belly, it's looking up at me with a smug look that can only mean 'You had to eat the chocolate cake didn't you, you fat bastard'

Too many flies in the house, with the intense heat the back door is open throughout the day. Your everyday bluebottle flies on past and enters an enviroment it couldn't navigate with an insect friendly TomTom. I own one of those fly zappers cleverly disguised as a tennis racquet (Flies are a sucker for a game of squash) but I always give the fly a 30 second moment of 'grace', it makes me feel godlike. I open the window and persuade the intruder that if it doesn't take the easy route it will fry. What does a fly do? Well of course it just flies up and down the wide open window screaming 'I can see through it, why can't I get through it?' 'IT'S WIDE OPEN, FLY UNDER IT YOU PRICK!'

Shopping is horrendous at the best of times, as we don't have this weather very often stores have decided that investing in air con is a waste of time. I beg to differ. Not only do I sweat instantly but when getting to the till I find the shop assistant with their fan blowing at them has the cheek to say 'It's too hot in here, ever since they blah blah FUCKING BLAH!' I don't have a poxy fan you ignorant bitch, i've been navigating the aisles of Primarni looking guilty as sin due to the constant sweat beads rolling down my head and the nautious look on my face you usually only get when you 'accidently' sit down and watch the entirety of 'LOOSE WOMEN'

I could go on, but to summarise. I like the sun, I don't like this heat day and night. It's okay down at the coast where you get a sea breeze but at work and at home it's just not right. I'm off to go drip dry infront of the fridge.

Whatever happened to Facebook?

2010-06-17T21:18:00.001+01:00

Facebook has changed, i'm not talking to the late comers who can barely use a news feed. I'm talking to the elite, those who know how to rotate a photo when they add it to an album (crooked neck syndrome isn't worth it just to see you with your tits out), the few who remember Facebook when poking was the name of the game.

The earliest email I can find from Facebook is 2007, so i've been using this old girl long enough to moan about her...

Facebook is better because:

You no longer have to scroll the whole way down someone's profile page just to write on their wall. People would add 100 applications which had their very own thumbnails clogging up your main page, slowing everything down and making communication between friends impossible.Gorgeous it were.

No-one sends me vampire requests anymore

It's prettier

You can nose in on other people's conversations and photos easier than ever before

Facebook is worse because:

FARMVILLE

Countless people joining groups with titles such as: Find out what this girl said on her test paper, you will shit your pants!!. These groups/fan pages require you 'like' or join them so you can read something that is already hosted on lamebook.com without all the fuss.

Those horrible status updates that are meant to be private jokes amongst women but just leave me with the taste of blood in my mouth

You can't give me LIKE and not DISLIKE, I dislike 98% of the crap I read on this site

No-one comes around and shows you photos of their nights out anymore, you just get tagged on facebook.

TOP NEWS? I don't know how day old status updates get the 'Top news' label. Give me Most Recent anyday.

'LOL jk' groups are ARSE. They sum up what facebook is in so few words. No-one needs to join cleverly titled pages anymore when you can like 'I would swim the ocean for you ... LOL jk there are sharks in there'

HAHAHAHAHAHA....no

Facebook is clueless, 'Add so and so as a friend' What that billy no mates that shares one (not very close) friend with me?

You end up adding people who you lost contact with for a reason

TO SUM THIS UP...

I remember when people used Myspace, we all had over the top looking profiles that pumped out music. No-one cared about what was on your mind, no daily updates. Things were simple. I miss you Myspace, I hate you Facebook LOL jk I love you really.

Erections 2010: Who will you vote for?

2010-05-06T16:23:00.004+01:00

The Candidates for the 2010 Genital erections are the following, make sure you have considered all the information put forward to you by each member before you cast your vote...

JEFF representing the PLAIN PENIS PARTY

Jeff has spent years being hidden from the public, afraid to even be seen in urinals due to his plainness. What the country hasn't seen (due to him forever being covered by boxer shorts) is a very capable member of the Penis party. He promises to be able to stand in his current position for at least 5minutes at a time. What will Jeff bring to the table? Known for his firm handshakes, upon meeting Jeff you will be enchanted by his promises which he is always able to follow through on. Admittedly the promises are small, but nether the less he completes the mission he sets out before him. Some of his followers have stated that often he looks as though he is covered in a white aura, quite like a fallen angel.

JEFF will be a comfortable fit, often overlooked by other members but always reliable in your time of need.

DAVE representing the UP FOR IT PARTY

Dave is an outspoken member, picked for just how upfront he comes across. A very able candidate who looks after the voter, never seen in public without a smile and often the public are smiling along with him. Dave goes straight for the pressing issues, always to the point without dilly dallying. In this day and age where it becomes hard to tell Penis's apart in a room, DAVE will be the first to wink at you from afar. Dave's party have been known to be the jokers in the run up to this erection, but he always gets the last laugh in regards to forcing through his policies

DAVE is a charmer, he will spend four years turning your world on it's head.

DAISY representing THE GROWERS PARTY

Daisy is a shy member, you will have come across plenty of Daisy's in the past. Often forgettable and somewhat dissapointing. The Growers party do have a secret weapon, when the time comes to showing what they are made of they usually the first to surprise the voters. People have been heard to say 'literally hero to zero' in seconds. DAISY has not made much effort in the form of a nationwide campaign, but this reclusive erection will pull out all the stops within the last minutes of this race. Remember it's not always what you see but how they use it (their power in parliament)

DAISY won't revolutionise the running of this country, but she will remind you of a very close uncle. Built for comfort and reliability.

Twitter my arse

2010-03-29T15:39:00.003+01:00

When some prat lost her £4000 train ticket she did the only sensible thing there is, contact one of the dragons from Dragon's Den and hope that he advertises the fact you're a useless sack of shit on celeb pit, Twitter.

This avid follower of Duncan Bannatyne (miserable glaswegian one) noticed that when Duncan's wife had lost her dress on a train (ask NO questions) she managed to get it back via the hamazing medium of twitter and all the twitpricks that lap up virtual celeb sperm. I don't think I would have the balls (or downright fucking cheek) to ask someone to broadcast that I lost my ticket over Twitshit.

And thankfuly it hasn't worked, HA. Tosser.

Sadly this poor bitch has two things working against her, National Rail refuse to issue another ticket as she has previously lost two tickets (in her defense one of them was stolen along with her bag full of cornish pasties) and there's a 98% chance this ticket is in a bin. It does amaze me that when National Rail churn out an annual ticket to the tune of 4k that it comes looking like your average return to Clapham junction, just an orange and white paper thing. Surely it should be printed on silver and tied up with a ribbon?

Just as a heads up, if I find this ticket i'm tearing it in two and broadcasting it on FACEBOOK, you know the original place to update your status. Twitter indeed .

'Oh, here it is'

GLEEsus Christ

2010-03-01T15:59:00.000Z

What is happening? Why are the airwaves and television screens filling with this Glee shit?

It's the most horrible thing I can imagine having to sit through, second only to having to look at Andrew Lloyd webber for a prolonged length of time.

From what I can gather (and I haven't done any research because that would show an interest) it's a horrible 'high school musical' television shit streak. What worries me more is that I suspect this isn't aimed at children but adults. What sort of adults though? Well I assume the needy musical loving gay community have filled up on this tripe and left room for 10 more series. Fuckers. Do full grown women like this? The same women who indulge in sweaty sex with strangers every weekend actually sit and watch this to take their mind off that niggling feeling of loneliness?

I can't make arse or tit of this donkeyshit, it's horrible. I can only hope that the same people who thought Jedward were worth voting for to show up the X Factor are watching this crap as some sort of dirty protest. And it is dirt.

If people are taking this in seriously, and buying those singles that have made me realise Miley Cyrus isn't all that bad because they want to hear this vile trash then the world is a cunt

GLEE MY ARSE!

The perfect example of piss poor lyrics

2010-02-02T03:18:00.001Z

As the title says I have come across one of many songs out there that cobbles together a half decent tune and then fills it with nonsensical lyrics. Most of the time I couldn't care less..this time though it has irritated me muchly.

UK top 40 is a box of shit and the occasional diamond. Mostly though in 10 years you won't want to listen to any of this stuff again. So at number one we have 'Fireflies'. Let me just point out that like the masses I sort of like this song, when I heard it on the radio it wasn't an instant station changer. But unlike most people I didn't just listen to this song and enjoy it, I analysed it. And the results are abysmal. If this was a cancer patient it would have 2 days to live.

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

I don't like the idea of 10 million, I would rather it was 10 thousand. I also don't like being told what I wouldn't believe. I wouldn't believe this song's lyrics are rated 5 golden stars on some websites but hey, what do I know? Why not tell me? You told me what I wouldn't believe so tell me what I know, you smug bastard.

Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

Crying fireflies? I don't understand the nature of this shit. I also would not think you rude if you stood and stared at 10 million fireflies sobbing about the place. Please do i'll join you.

'I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems'

Oh wow. Okay let's take this slowly. How slow do you want the earth to turn? Why do you spend nights wanting that sort of thing? Isn't there better things to dream about than how fast the fucking earth rotates?
(Isn't there better things to do than sit and rip into a popular song for the sake of a facebook note? Fuck you voice in my head)

I physically can not get my head around the mish mash that is 'It's hard to say that I'd rather stay Awake when I'm asleep'. I give up, I don't want to spend any more time with this set of words please.

'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance'

Oh wow, and just as I thought this was an adult orientated song with real meaning and emotional undertones it throws up that word vomit. A thousand hugs from 10 million 'lightning bugs'? You have serious problems my friend.

Leave my door open just a crack
(Please take me away from here)
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

BECAUSE YOU FUCKING MANIAC you spend all night thinking of hugging more shitting fireflies than I can be bothered to count, and you want them to TEACH YOU TO DANCE? Jesus!!!

I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes
I got misty eyes as they said farewell

You're weird because you are even contemplating saying goodbye to 10 million fireflies, that's where the problem lies here. Also you're not the only one who hates goodbyes, so you're not weird as far as that's concerned. The rest, well i'm not a fucking doctor but you need therapy and lots of it

But I'll know where several are
If my dreams get real bizarre
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar

He captures fireflies incase of nightmares? My god this is JUST HORRIBLE

Rant over.

And you thought a blow up doll was sexy...

2010-01-11T18:55:00.001Z

Feast your eyes on the latest in sex robots, you need never leave the house again as the latest models come with the ability to hold a conversation. If there's a 'skip to the guilt ridden sexy dance' option then I know what I want for my birthday this year.

This gorgeous slab of woman substitute comes loaded with the following: (whatever you load her with after is your business and yours only)

Anatomically correct android- Well that's if you're going for the caveman whore look, and that camel's toe peeking out is just a little too much to stomach

Artificial intelligence- But not intelligent enough to realise that she is basically paralyzed and you're raping her

Articulated skeleton- Once again, modelled on an early caveman. If you like your woman to feel like a rugby player on steroids then this lovely is for you

‘She can’t vacuum, she can’t cook but she can do almost anything else, if you know what I mean,’ said creator Douglas Hines

Well as we are talking about a sex toy here i'm guessing you mean she holds sperm pretty well, she can't do anything else. Infact she can't even trot off to the shower after the deed is done, you must have to get a plunger out or throw her in the washing machine

This frakenstein's monster also comes with 5 personalities depending on how warped you are

And what sex toy would be without the ability to link wirelessly with the internet? Bet you wouldn't mind surfing facebook on your rampant rabbit! The sad thing is this gives it the ability to email you...if a doll that was living in my bedroom started fucking emailing me I would burn the house down. It's the foundations of a pissing horror movie!

And doesn't she look a little like Florence Welch of 'Florence and the Machine'
Oh well not everyone makes it in the music industry love

It's been snow nice to see you...

2010-01-07T12:15:00.002Z

..now fuck off. I wouldn't mind the snow if I was watching it fall across beautiful countryside scenery whilst sitting infront of a fire. But i'm not, i'm sitting on a busy road watching it cover cars and old people that have fallen and have been abondoned by their loved ones.

The idea of snow is snow much more exciting than the reality (instead of 'so' I used 'snow', it's humour)

Building snowmen is good fun, but your gloves go soggy and your hands turn into a worrying shade of red. By the time you have put your snowman's hat on you have 3rd degree frost burns and spend the rest of the day warming them over a heater

Snowball fights are a good way of pelting someone with something that isn't a brick and not getting into any trouble over it. Can't really fault that as it goes.

Snow angels? I have never attempted this as I like not having pnemonia. Looks good though, and frost bite never killed anyone.
No honest I just googled it, I was going to insert a news story in just after I said it doesn't kill anyone but I couldn't find one so that joke doesn't work. Still, if a joke doesn't work the explanation never fails to get a laugh......ahem.

Then we have pavements that are glorified death traps,it's so cold you just want to stay in bed and the post is even more late than usual. The list could go on, but I couldn't think of anymore right now so use your imagination.

And typical that it snowed the week before and after christmas but on the day it was all melted (subject to home town)

So I would like to say something to Jesus..

Oh Hai Jesus. Cheers for making sure the snow was melted on the one day of the year I wouldn't have minded,didn't fancy a white birthday? Selfish cunt.

Merry credit crunch riddled christmas, got any spare change?

2009-12-13T20:36:00.002Z

You've just spent the last of your money on a 100 pack of christmas cards (enough left to use next year,no-one notices) and tonnes of wrapping paper,enough to redecorate your entire house come next year. And then a 12 year old kid holding a bucket jumps in front of you and politely robs you in broad daylight.

Confused at the ropey introduction to this note? I'm talking about shopping centres and streets being lined from top to bottom with 10 different charities hoping that at the one time of year you have no money you'll be able to spare some change. And i'm talking real change here, ever seen the look you get when you toss something in that isn't silver or paper? Maybe you aren't as tight as me, still it had to be better than ignoring them. A skill I am hoping to improve on as I age.

Only yesterday whilst out with the masses did I encounter about 7 kids dressed as boy scouts or something rattling buckets and informing me where my money would be going. I can tell you where it is now, in my wallet. It's staying there. Fuck off.

It's all so strategic and abusive, they position theirselves so you havn't a hope in hell of dodging them and the more skilled in their trade of glorified beggers will harass you until you get in the range of another one, and so the vicious circle continues.

If I want to give to charity it really isn't going to be whilst i'm out shopping for bags of stuff I don't even get to keep, i'm already in a foul mood that I have to give at christmas, your grinning face only makes the whole ordeal even more shit. If I cared that much I would give at anytime of the year, on my terms. Not in the street infront of a gutted Woolworths. Twats.

Get out my f*cking way,i'm old

2009-12-12T16:16:00.000Z

I have two minds about old people, on one hand I want to look after every single one of them and make sure they spend the rest of their lives happy...on the other I want to trip them up in the street. Dilemma.

84 year old Peggy Harden was ordered to remove her hood when she went into her local shopping centre. She's bitching about it now and has been given the label Britain's oldest hoodie.
I bet there are older, this is 'Britain's oldest hoodie who milks it' unlike the 97 year olds who don't go crying to the papers.

So the shopping centre has a No Hood policy, which is fair enough. What makes this old bitch immune to the rule that applies to everyone else? In her defense, as the news report puts it 'She's frail, her eyesight is going and she needs her husband’s support to walk anywhere'

ERM... her and the rest of the ageing population, I was expecting to read that the top half of her skull is missing. I have worn a hood on occasion and find it to be restricting to my overall view of the munsters that I pass on the street so if I had eyesight that was on it's way out I wouldn't want to cut any more vision out. But hey, i'm not trying to cause trouble unlike some unruly O.A.Ps out there.

The shopping centre has since apologised, if I were representing that shopping centre I would have written a letter looking something like this:

Dear miserable old prick

I did not realise that because you are 84 and mostly made of dust and dry crackers you were entitled to follow your own set of rules that cancel out our own. Please next time you need to buy some sucking sweets for that bowl in your living room buy them somewhere else, we don't need your money or your miserable f*cking face upsetting our young children. Save your pennies for your funeral, after all your sourface drove your own kids away so they won't be shelling out

Thank you and piss off

I thought I had a lot of time on my hands...

2009-12-12T15:19:00.000Z

How about this for scientific research,announcing that Rudolph the red nosed reindeer is a girl. That's right, that fictional character that a fellow fictional character uses to deliver knitted jumpers about Decemberish time. Apparently Male reindeer don't cast their antlers at Christmas time, i'm not arguing that fact but why oh why would you apply real world logic to pretend world stories?

If these people had it their way this is how your beloved stories would be torn apart and churned back at you...

It's that time of year when it doesn't snow,it's just wet and cold. Leave out some cookies and milk for your parents and if you manage to stay awake for the entirety of the night you'll hear them pull out all the contents of their wardrobe and stuff your presents under the tree. Keep listening and you may hear some christmas sex sounds,depends on their mood and how much Baileys they necked during the night.

Lie to your siblings,friends and children about how a morbidly obese man will climb down the chimney during the night while you sleep, the same man who knows if you have been naughty or nice, and will either leave coal or a something like the thing you wanted for christmas but not actualy what you asked for.

This jolly old man never dies, doesn't work all year round,travels the world in one night and uses flying reindeer. Let your lies take over common sense, throw in a few about how parents help Santa (unpaid,no holiday or sick pay) get the presents.

Scientists please do something more constructive with your time like cure cancer or fix facebook

Beating children keeps your carpet clean

2009-09-17T02:28:00.000+01:00

Everything about the following advert makes my blood boil, i'm not a child hitting fiend but sometimes a slap across a kid's smug little face helps keep the balance as much as actimel keeps your gut ticking over or whatever that pretend yoghurt/milk does.

Take your eyes over to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPMIWLTtOXE

Now let me talk you through this crock of shite...

1. That child has a perfectly good set of wooden blocks to play with, but instead goes for the bowl of sick her mum has left on the side...and proceeds to pour it all over that cream carpet. Hit it.

2.That thick white fluid her mum keeps on show doesn't seem to be enough to entertain this little tyke, why not start throwing dirt about the place? I assume it's dirt from the flowerpot and not just a fine sprinkling of toddler shit. Hit it.

3. The child then 'waters' the dirt and rubs it in for good measure. Slap it.

4. Oooo at 10 seconds the mum stops telling her girlfriend about the string of one night stands she has been having to fill in the gap her father left behind when he died and notices that little bitch has been really turning the gaff upside down. Slap it.

5. At 13seconds...is..that...a smirk? A smile? She's happy??! Gives her daughter a kiss and a cuddle and goes and drags out her lovely carpet washing...thing. Kick it.

6. At 15seconds look at Lady fucking muck sitting on her 'throne' all proud of her dirty dooings. Kick it.

To end it all at 26 seconds the little cow strolls over to a row of cupcakes, ready to eat them and sick/shit them all over that cream carpet thanks to mum's new toy (the one that doesn't run on AA batteries)

Okay so the advert informs us that giant bath on wheels sucks up crap and you have a nice clean floor, but what has that child learnt? Well she knows that mummy will always clean up after her no matter what, bowls of sick and dirt now but unwanted pregnancies and empty beer bottles later.

A simple slap would have taught that kid whats what.

That is all :)

Tales from Tribe

2009-07-24T02:07:00.000+01:00

Sometimes the real news just isn't entertaining enough, in comes Joe Tribe.

34 year old housewife Lauren Tree reports that a bluebottle fly has been harrasing her and her family for the past week or so. It is thought the fly managed to get in through a small gap in her kitchen window and as of time of writing,still hasn't managed to break out.
Mrs Tree reports that she has tried 'every trick in the book' to lure it back out but to no avail, "I have the doors and windows wide open all day but the little b*stard won't f*ck off".
The local council have been contacted for comment but have yet to get back.

NOISEY neighbours? Think again! 67year old widow and keeper of cats Susan Mildrew has finaly had enough of her neighbours,young couple Kat Green and Tom Floor. It is reported that they persist on breathing at a volume that 'cannot be endured by a fellow human being'. Ms Mildrew first noticed the noise when she had her ear pressed against the wall of her bedroom one Wednesday night in January.

" I knew they would be breathing at that time and in that location, their bedroom is wall to wall with mine. At 11pm on a weekday and they go around doing that carry on. Filth." rants Ms Mildrew. When we were invited to listen in on the offending noise ourselves we thought we may have heard something but it was noted that this may have been a breeze coming in through the back door.

The couple declined an interview but did leave a statement with us,

'The woman is a c***'

Our experts have been unable to uncover the letters beneath the stars but we are working 3 hour days to do so. Watch this space.

LOCAL working man's cafe is in trouble with Health and Safety officials who visited back in May of this year. 'BANGERS AND MASH' of Heartly Road,Catford is facing closure after it failed to meet the expected filth chart of a working class food establishment.
Reports available to view online point out several unexpected faults including food that was surprisingly edible,surfaces that were clean to an acceptable standard and staff who were friendly and helpful. Mr Plum, 32 year old plumber who uses the cafe on a daily basis told us "I eat there all the time, I had no idea. It makes you sick to think this is what we were expected to put up with". The Cafe has been told to 'Get real' within the next 6 weeks or face being closed for good.

Jebus, being human is so uncomfortable

2009-07-14T15:56:00.000+01:00

I wish someone had taught me how to properly deal with other human beings, i'm just total crap at doing things that are expected of a fully grown adult male.

When I meet new people I find it really easy to get on with them, even if I don't really want to and have been forced into the situation I can get through the ordeal knowing that i'll just avoid them in the future. But the bit at the beginning is hard for me to grasp, this introduction nonsense. Not for me.
I don't introduce myself, I certainly don't introduce other people and I don't ask for an introduction. This can become a problem later on in conversation but for a brief chat in the street I don't need to know much more than what's presented visualy.

You'll be walking along with a friend and then you see another friend who doesn't know the friend you're with and they have a friend that neither you or your friend know. It's not a comfortable situation for me, i'm not given enough 'stage time' to make a good impression and just come across as an awkard chimp in man's clothing. Not attractive.

It normally goes by relatively smoothly but when the stranger introduces theirself and then presents this really awful 20 seconds of silence it feels like i'm a social punchbag. They look at you like you should have your 'bit' ready, it's not that I can't tell you my name...I just never pick up on the perfect time to do so. I don't want to jump down your throat but then again I don't want that 20seconds of horrible silence again. I feel like i've failed my mission as a person on this earth of ours. Shambles.

Oh and don't grin and show teeth 'n' gums to someone you have just met. It's scary.

AND breathe :)

Read all abaaat it...

2009-06-17T14:41:00.000+01:00

Flies that may be missing a gene that helps them identify the correct sex they should mate with, ending in some down and dirty bluebottle sex? This is the news roundup!

Apparently it's good to be gay in the animal kingdom. Apart from the ability to help female animal friends pick out their next 'killer' outfit and bitch about the everything and everyone it also helps the animal kingdom continue to prosper or something like that. To be honest it's just scientist trying to (through some very complicated avenues) explain that being gay's alright because Cats do it. NEXT!

OAP crashes into a zebra and dies, maybe she didn't see the zebra crossing. Oh I went there.

That Duffy coca cola advert with her riding the bike around the supermarket and singing with those sweet...sweet tones has receieved complaints due to the lack of health and safety concerns. I won't continue further, it's so obvious where I want to take this one.

Posh spice has undergone a third boob job, I didn't even know she had a third boob.

And to end this we might as well venture close to where we started. With an animal, it hasn't been stated that this one is gay but let's just say it is to tie this note up nicely. A puppy got muddy walking about in the garden and was flushed down the toilet to clean it, the owner doesn't admit that it was a silly thing to do in the first place but says they wouldn't do it again. I can't even be bothered.

G'DAY! x

How not to advertise...

2009-06-09T17:26:00.002+01:00

There are some piss poor TV adverts floating around out there, Poo at Paul's anyone?!
There are also some scary ones, take the following for example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp7bicN9zfM&feature=channel_page

Do you have Gold jewellery that you wouldn't mind sending away to a company that uses a man who has only two expressions to his name and that fluffy stuff you get in hoovers posing as hair?

First of all I don't want to send gold in an envelope, the royal mail have a habit of sending the majority of my outgoing/ingoing mail into a special filing system I have no access to. Also I don't have gold, minor detail that.

This bloke though is rather scary, I almost want to go out and purchase some of this gold I hear about and send it to him just so he doesn't send 'The boys' around to smash the gaff up.

AT 20 SECONDS:
It's all about body language, as he informs you of what the company aims to do (rob you blind) he leans towards the camera in a rather menacing fashion. Also this company seems to operate from a converted loft. Noice. Aww and look at that poor cows computer on the right, blank like the cheques you will receive when you send off all your pretty rings and bangles. She's using that phone to call for help I assure you.

AT 32 SECONDS: Why not use hellish images on the screen to illustrate your point inbetween that devil man demanding all your worldly belongings?! AT 41 SECONDS he is already bored of this hoo haa, he just wants your gold. Simples.

AT 1 MINUTE: This is what someone robbing you while you watch looks like, that kit might as well say SWAG on the side.

AT 1 MINUTE 30 SECONDS: The devil man's face has frozen. Be warned.

Enjoy!

Oh and for those who havn't seen the previously mentioned 'POO AT PAUL'S', here she is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2T6YdEcp6w

General Crud

2009-06-03T18:16:00.001+01:00

Why am I reading that Jade Goody's mum has been toying with a lesbian romance in the months surrounding her daughter's death? I feel for the other lesbian, she's toying with her eyesight. Catch that one armed bandit in the wrong light and instant blindness. Shame.

Susan boyle, will she won't she go on tour with the painfuly camp circus that is the Britain's Got Talent tour? Oooo I just burped. What was I saying?

Big Brother's back, oh now I remember. Something about Susan Boyle.

Tetley Tea ad banned due to it telling bare faced lies about how Green Tea helps you keep alive and all that, i've been drinking that stale tasting crap for months. I fell for it, I say sod the 5 a day as it's only a matter of time before that's proven to be a crock of fruity shite.

Bag straps, I can't adjust them for toffee. I pull and stuff happens but it doesn't get any tighter/any looser. I give up.

Think that's it. Farewell lovers.

It's a hard life

2009-05-14T22:22:00.000+01:00

The world is a changing place, for buggy pushers and those in wheelchairs there are far fewer obstacles out there to confront. I have noticed though that in assisting the less able the able bodied are being disabled. If you catch my drift, go on catch it.

Okay that isn't entirely true, but for the first paragraph you have to write something shocking and controversial. It was either that or I reveal there is a cat rapist on my road, and that's the last thing you need to read over your cuppa.

I think it's a really good thing that we are adapting transport,buildings and other such things to accomodate those with impairments. BUT I used a Toilet in a hospital today and suddenly my world came crashing down around me, soaked in urine and bits of soggy tissue (More drama in the second paragraph, I don't charge for these vital hints by the way)

The Toilet was for everyone, a Gentleman's W.C with a few urinals and some cubicles. Fully furnished I suppose you could say, mirrors on the wall and everything. The hospital obviously thought it a good idea to not assume all disabled people should have to use that one designated toilet (that everyone else who likes room to swing a cat in use anyway) and so they adapted the urinals to assist those with trouble standing. What a fuckery for me. (A pretend swear in the 3rd paragraph to keep your interest)

They had put a metal bar right the way across the urinals for people to hold onto while they took a leak. This bar though was my downfall, it was right where my 'hosepipe' (deliberate exaggeration of genetalia to provoke an ideal image in the readers mind) sits. So now I had to decide whether to sort of tiptoe and hang it over, or bend my knees a little and go under. Or not notice until I had already started wizzing and then find out the hard way. I shant be letting on which one of those it ended up being.

So i'm not having a go, i'm not moaning that we lose about 4 seats on the bus, or that I have to double over at a cash machine, or that they get all the best parking spaces. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the day after, I may need to use a wheelchair and I wouldn't want to be restricted as to what I can do. But then again I don't want piss on my shoes (Humour used to reference an unanswered question in the previous paragraph)

Much Love x

Things they forgot to add in...The highway code

2009-04-24T16:18:00.000+01:00

Having sort of read the highway code and then stumbling through the theory test I realised there are a few things that should have been added, unanswered questions. That's where I come in. My name is Joe.

Wasp Invasions

There you are minding your own business in your car and then in flies a wasp, what to do now? As a passenger I have my emergency 'throw open the door and launch yourself out' procedure. As a driver it is advised you do the same. Wasps are nasty bastards at the best of times, they are going to be out for your blood trapped in a car with you. Think fast, Jump,roll and run.

Numpties at pedestrain crossings who press the button as they walk past

If you see someone who has pressed the wait button at a crossing and clearly has no intention to use said crossing it is strongly advised you run the fucker down (This ties in with the next missing rule of the road)

Peds mean Points, Points mean prizes

There is a rarely spoken about law in place on the road that rewards drivers with points, knock down someone and you can expect points on your license. And when was the last time points DIDN'T mean prizes? Wheelchair users are more points due to the fact they can evade if you fancy the challenge

Other Road users are out to kill

DO NOT expect oher road users to follow the highway code, indication,speed and general manners go flying clean off their spoilers into the face of a passing stray cat. You have two options, be very wary and spend your days scared of the road OR if you can't beat them, join them. Have fun!

Run like you mean it!

2009-03-30T15:54:00.001+01:00

I remember when missing your bus was well....a bit shit. The bus stops had those crappy seats that used to fold and spin around, if your arse was too big you was sitting on the metal frame and if it was too small it felt like sitting on concrete. Missing your bus was not an option, you would run infront of it like a madman/woman or hammer on the doors until you bled or the driver gave in and let you aboard.

I have noticed lately that people just don't care enough, I used to run for the bus and have myself a lung problem by the time I found myself a seat. Nowdays people do this HALF ARSED PENGUIN RUN and then when they get to the back end of the bus and noticed that the driver has stopped for them they just stroll onboard and slowly make their way to the nearest piss covered seat. No thank you for the driver, no care in the world.

Or someone does the 'Incontinent shuffle' up to the doors, the doors close (bus drivers are not aware of anything outside of that little glass box they live in) and then the person just shrugs their shoulders and sits down. NO! Cause some damage, kick the front tire at least!

People have it too easy these days, the buses are coming thick and fast so you need never worry you'll be waiting long for the next one. The bus stops have fecking solar lit timetables with that enchanting blue button. If I had had that when I was a small boy I would have loved sitting in the pissing rain waiting 25minutes for the next bus to speed past me.

Come on people, shake a leg! If you want the bus show us you mean it, if you do manage a 'Constipated lobster' run then make sure you follow it through until you get on the bus. Don't make sure the driver has seen you and then slow down. We have somewhere to go you know!!

Move it Move it!

Give this fella a cracker

2009-03-19T15:29:00.000Z

I was reading about a woman that bought a swearing parrot from a 99p store (you know, credit crunch and all that) for her 11month old daughter. Brilliant.

It had been put on the wrong section of the store (I like doing things like that, many a supermarket have had their shelves rearranged courtesy of me to provide seconds of pure entertainment) and so this cuddly little fella was sitting alongside the kids toys when in fact he was an adult toy (could have been a purple dildo so she should breath a sigh of relief)

I think the problem with this story is that the woman is trying to blame the store...but she didn't just hear one naughty word and launch it into the nearest bin, oh no she says as she was walking along it came out with 'arseholes', 'fuck off' and the classic 'I'm going to rip your head off and shit down your neck.'

That last one is a long ol sentence, she could have thrown it clear into the distance by the time it had informed her of the head ripping business.

The best bit though is what this mother says at the end of it all...

'Someone programmed it to say it would rip off your head and s**t down your neck. What kind of thing is that for a parrot to say?'

Haha, as if it isn't the fact it was swearing but that a parrot should have far better manners. Crazy world.

If you have no imagination or just want to hear it for yourself here's link to the little guy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K3tSa-6CBg

Homo!

2009-01-07T18:09:00.000Z

I have wanted to write this note for a while now, just I wasn't sure anyone would give a shite. Then I remembered no-one ever does, so here I go!

Most people have guessed, been informed or just knew that I am a qualified gayer. I came tumbling out the closet (much to me and my mother's amusement) and from then on struggled to come to terms with my *shudders* sexuality.

The thing is no matter how accepting the world pretends to be it will always be seen as taboo to sleep with the same sex. And I do understand that, I have never asked the world to join hands and share the love. I can be a pretty homophobic homo...due to the fact I am scared of the whole thing, 3 years after I came crashing out of the closet and I can't bring myself to saying 'I'm Gay'.

I don't think I need to tell everyone what sex I plan on doing a naked dance with, I'm not defined by what turns me on but I would hope by this golden personality I have been blessed with ;P But my problem is that I do believe I shouldn't have to walk around with a sign on my head, but then when it comes to people asking if I have a girlfriend I never say limp my wrist and inform them I bat for the other team. I would much rather not tell anyone, you don't know how people will react.

Everytime you meet new people or start a new job you dread the question coming up, sadly i'm not very 'gay acting' and so people don't just guess (which would save a lot of hassle) and so people will treat me like any other. And I like that, when i'm in a room full of strangers im just normal.

This note never needed to be written, but I realised there are friends on facebook who don't know about my 'dirty little secret' (and there is no reason they need to, after all what happens behind closed doors isn't of much concern to others).

I'm still Joe Tribe, master of nought,serial moaner and part time joker. I'm not Joe, 'my gay mate'.

Christmas Scrooge

2008-12-22T16:43:00.000Z

Sometimes I sit and write these, read them back and realise what a miserable fecker I can be. Still, I get a perverse amount of pleasure from it :)

Today's subject, PEACHES GELDOF wannabes. Being in the presence of one is like pinning your eyelids to cacti and walking in the opposite direction.

My closest encounter with one of these middle class rankathons was at The Boosh gig in the 02. I don't know the official ranking system for being a Peaches Geldof clone but I have my own set of rules that get you the label:

Wearing a collection of clothes you refer to as 'Vintage' (but are more often than not from topshop)
Talking loudly in an accent that comes under the brackets of 'Twat'
Looking and sounding like all your friends
Only going to gigs you think no-one else goes to and then telling everyone about it
Going to Camden and giving everyone with pink hair a dirty look in between looking to bump into Amy Winehouse, who you think will really 'dig' you
You won't put a genre on music, you just like bands....you won't even tell us what bands.
You drink lemonade when you go out 'drinking' as you are still only 15
You have no personality, you are without personality, you are a blank page covered in vintage tat

Anyway that's some of it, I could go on for days. So this plank next to me forces a laugh out everytime Noel Fielding even blinks, at one point I could swear I heard the familiar thud of a lung being coughed up she was laughing so hard. So forced. In the end she was laughing when the interlude lights came on, just because she could. She also watched a lot of THE MIGHTY BOOSH at home, alot.
When the first chime of a song kicked in she would jump up and down, scream a bit and then begin to sing...sadly the silly cow hadn't realised some of the lyrics has been altered and continued to sing along loudly, with the wrong lyrics, at the wrong pitch, in my f*cking ear.

I have something to say to these girls

Tossers

:)

Same Old

2008-12-15T20:58:00.000Z

I often find myself moaning about the same old things, transport,queues and old people. Time to dig up the old folk and reanimate them for the point of this here post

I was on the bus the other day,one that I had queued to get on. It was on this bus that an old woman made me smile. She was the sort who speaks to utter strangers as she demonstrated when she started a conversation with the old girl next to her. As we trundled along she was telling her new friend that she was 90 years old (I didn't believe it, but if she wants to shave 30 years off her age then who am I to judge?)

Then she started on like most old folk do about 'how things have changed', in this case it was how 'those flats weren't there when I live around here'. The flats she was referring to havn't even been finished yet, not being funny but I remember when those flats weren't there...say, 6months ago!

Then further down the road I heard about how 'this all used to be fields', at this point the unwilling pair of ears sitting next to her said 'yea, grass'. Hahaha, it was hard not to laugh out loud. It was like that game where you relate each word to the next, field,grass,cows,milk...

I like it how old people have heard on the wireless how they are a good source of history, and instead of waiting for us to ask they just bombard us as we try to do our christmas shopping :)

This is literally a blog

2008-12-02T16:27:00.001Z

I knew the younger generation didn't have a great grasp on the english language, they use a mangled form of speech that leaves us elders nonplussed. But it's worse than I first thought, whilst using the superb public transport I overheard (well it was hard not to really) the conversation between two girls of about 15. Ruddy shambles.

The content of the conversation was pretty dire, and at one point I really had to fight back the urge to slap them all around their faces caked in makeup and tell them they were talking absolute shite. Sadly this is frowned upon in this day and age.

At least 5 times one of the girls used the following phrase: 'I'm gonna punch her, literally'
Glad she cleared that up for me, I thought she was planning on fighting with dance and naughty words she just picked up on late night hollyoaks.

It seems literally has been let out to roam with the younglings and no-one has a proper hold over it.

As the girls' friend tried to outdo the illiterate pony with the story of her nan dying 'literally' got let out the pen once more, it was at this point it's true use died.

'That's so sad, i'm gonna cry. Literaly.'

I don't even know how to not literally cry, infact I was fighting back tears during this display of ignorance. In a way i'm sort of sad that I have left behind childhood and all the stupid little things that came with it, school slang for example.

This was me moaning, literally

So This Is 20?

2008-09-16T00:59:00.001+01:00

When I was younger it was hard to imagine being 20, I assumed my jaw line would become rugged like all the men I saw on the adverts,that I would be far hairier and women would be falling at me feet. Funny how things turned out so different.

I don't feel much taller than I was at 18, and I was a teenager then..surely I should have an adults frame now, a few extra inches here and there (don't snigger at the back). My feet stopped growing at about the age of 17 so for the last three years the only thing they have gained is hair. That's nothing to write home about.

My hair is as curly and unmanageable as it has ever been and requires a good few minutes under the burning hot tongs to resemble anything half human, even then I need another 5minutes alone with a tub of gel and a lot of imagination.

My sense in fashion is no more advanced than it was when my mum was dressing me, in fact I think I would look a whole lot better if she continued to do so. I walk into a clothes store and I just see the queue at the till and work myself up before I've even started grabbing things off of the shelves.

I assumed with age came knowledge, what I have ended up with is the knowledge that the world can be a very bleak place to roam and that all this roaming makes your legs ache.

I remember laughing in the face of people who used to watch me wolf down absolute crap and yet not gain any weight. When you hit the ripe old age of 20 what happens is you no longer enjoy food, you have it when you need to. You want to eat everything but you know that your face will become rounder and your thighs will begin to rub. Only in the last year have I felt the humiliation of jeans not being able to button up or popping open when under the stress of something like...oh I don't know, walking.

Shaving isn't remotely fun, okay this didn't come with being 20....but by the time you hit 20 you are pretty much over the novelty of watching hair drop into the sink.

Everything pains me, bending down to pick up something iv dropped (the very fact iv dropped it is due to my clumsiness that has come with age), looking up to fix a light bulb, walking up and down flights of stairs, shuffling around shopping centres.

On a brighter note (yes, I can do them!) I have become wittier (for better or worse) and can cross the road without holding anyone's hand. What more could I want?

So to conclude this chapter I end on a quote...

'The most wasted of all days is one without laughter'

e e cummings (1894 - 1962)

Because no matter how much I moan, I can still laugh...and with that I look forward to tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.

Joe Tribe (1988- )

BBC THREE Gets It Wrong Again

2008-09-15T13:17:00.001+01:00

I have never had the ideal chance to use the phrase 'seriously unfunny', but luckily bbc three has commissioned a series called 'THE WRONG DOOR'
Tonight was the 3rd episode, I have put myself through every episode out of morbid curiosity....it can only get better right? I like the fact BBC THREE commissions odditys that can't get straight onto bbc1/bbc2...usually this is a sad turn of events but when something like THE WRONG DOOR stumbles drunkly into the room, it can only be a good thing to keep it underwraps.
The people/creatures/dying cats who wrote this tat obviously thought that the use of computer graphics would make up for the criminal lack of humour. The novelty of seeing an elephant floating in the sky like a balloon soon wore off (scrap that, it never wore on)
I don't know who is vetting this material either, some of the worst sketches manage to become a little mini series appearing episode after episode.
I have given up on seeing anything remotely funny in this bleak series of weakly thought about tosh after a scene out of tonight that just screamed 'look, we have managed to animate penis's and throw in naughty words' Shame on you!
On the bright side it means mine and Mark's soon to be made comedy sketch show will HAVE to be commissioned if they churn out dog shite like THE WRONG DOOR
Still Gavin and Stacey will be back soon, bring on some more Mighty Boosh and top it all off with a dose of Rob Brydon's annually retentive :)

Trouble At The Gates

2008-09-05T16:09:00.001+01:00

I have a list as long as my arm (and beyond) with things I have,do and will moan about. The latest addition is automatic doors, they are a fixture of pure evil put there to make fools of us all!
I edge very cautiously towards the glass doors now days, you are strolling into your local supermarket/shopping centre/hospital and the doors don't open for you, they open for the next person to hobble past but they laugh in your face and make you use those little manual doors to the side (poor things, like paper in a world of computers).
It causes upset for me, people look, people talk, people judge. It's not my fought I always pick the wrong door. And just as bad are the ones that open very slowly and then get jammed halfway which may end up in you bashing your shoulder. Now in a world of flying cars and rollercoasters I expect doors to do what they do best, open and shut without fail.
That's my final word on the matter, the word being fail.

It's sunny out so take your f*cking hoody off!

2008-07-29T18:56:00.002+01:00

Okay our summers are unpredicatable and you don't know if it's going to be raining or shining but if it's 27 degrees celcius and you are strolling down the high street in your winter hoody it isn't only damaging your health but it's making me feel hot just looking at you.

And don't try and tell me you don't feel the heat, you're sweating and that's not a good look on anyone!

Style It Out!

2008-06-21T00:25:00.001+01:00

I have decided I enjoy it when on the bus someone stumbles as the bus pulls up sharp and then styles it out...

Yep, just wanted to fall over to this window and look out

*looks out of window*

Do I know that person out there.....nah prob not

*looks back around at everyone else on the bus*

Oh, they are all still looking at me...maybe I did know that person out there

*looks back out of window*

When we gonna get to the bus stop, I can feel them staring

Fold Map Fold!

2008-04-30T22:20:00.001+01:00

I cannot, and I mean this, I cannot fold a map. You know how they unfold so gracefully, then when it comes to folding them back up it crumples and you end up with a fatter folded map that has a few extra tears and you in tears!

The main problem is that when you look at it in it's unfolded form there is no clear place to begin the folding game, is it along the width or the length? And you know when you're doing it wrong because it folds and bends against your actions...although you still continue with your mangled mess of a task just hoping no-one will notice!

I now try to remember how I open the map initially, once you know the last few moves you can work on the first few when refolding, then from there it is a little easier to achieve a perfectly folded map.

Yes you did just read a rant about folding maps

BNP: British Numpty Party

2008-04-27T22:23:00.001+01:00

A leaflet from the BNP burnt it's way through the letterbox this evening, under the cover of night an ashamed worker looking for a little money trawls the street posting what might as well be dog shit through people's doors.

From a distance the leaflet looked like a pizza menu, upon closer inspection it was a pamphlet soaked in BNP piss. From the horrible logo which uses the Union Jack flag to the tagline PUTTING LONDON FIRST it made me angry, the sort of suppressed anger that makes your eyebrow twitch uncontrollably.

There are two photos on the front, the top being a post world war two 'Everyone pretend to be happy and smile at the camera' black and white shot and below that we have four women in hijabs with the lady on the far right sticking her two fingers upto the camera. Over the top photo we have FROM THIS and over the bottom photo we have TO THIS.

Let the rant begin, this is how the BNP sells itself to average Joe...

For starters that top photo is propaganda, those people were not happy. They had lost their husbands,brothers and sons...they were posing for the British press to show a false sense of unity. Anyone who studied GCSE History would know that basic fact, now the second photo can NOT be used as a fair comparison. These women look angry, whoever took this photo has shouted something to make them look up...and anyway, if I was being pursued by a photographer then I would use some choice hand gestures and language I expect!

At the bottom of the page we have IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?

I can't put into words how I feel about this utter piece of cat shite publication, I can only use silly descriptions like the one just thrusted before your eyes. The bottom photo that the BNP reckons represents the current 'state' of Britain is so so so narrowminded. It's the best that the party can come up with and it's bloody sad. Look at me now, I've run out of naughty words to use! Sodding nincompoops!

If you dare open the page you are then subjected to more BNP crap, if we vote some c*nt representing BNP to be our mayor we will get the following deal...

Scrapping the congestion charge,improving traffic flow and removing speed cameras. So the streets of London will be congested and where there is no traffic you'll have to run across the road to avoid speeding arseholes. So that sounds ruddy fun, where do I sign? Oh...there's more?

Providing better and more affordable public transport for everyone....Erm how will the buses run on the newly congested death traps that are London roads?

Improving the quality of our hospitals and stopping the health tourists abusing our NHS.....no that's right, leave more room for the drunken twats who end up punching seven shades of shit out of each other on a Saturday night.

Campaigning for more council houses....BNP has already secured 5,000 new houses for Barking and Dagenham. I live in Dagenham, I can now safely say within the year I am leaving the borough, I have had enough of the pisspit that BNP runs its racist operations from.

I could say a lot more but it's a waste of breathe, these balding middle aged men who sit around east end pubs drinking from morning to night can post these leaflets through doors until the cows come home, either way they are still ignorant pricks.

Fool!

2008-04-01T23:28:00.001+01:00

So it's April 1st, a day where the media can lie to us (imagine) and we all fall for it. I saw the flying penguin thing on BBC breakfast news this morning and it took me a good 20mins to think to meself 'nah, penguins can't fly'

I did my own little April fools this morning, it's like getting a license to be a complete twat.

I thought it might be a good idea to put me mum and sister's toothbrushes in the cat's litter tray (I had bought replacements...I was doing them a favour in the long run!)

Toothbrushes-Cat litter tray

I put a sign up in place of where the toothbrushes normally live which read 'CHECK OUT THE LITTER TRAY'

I thought I was being funny, me mum wasn't so pleased when she initially saw the toothbrushes sitting there...I sort of forgot to let her know I had hidden the new ones behind the blind. So it just looked like I was being a tosser of a child, she did tell me I almost got the cat litter poured into me bed :(

Turns out me mum did find the new brushes which saved my bed being caked in cat shite!

At work I did silly little pranks like telling someone the manager was on the phone and then chuckling to meself as they kept saying hello down the phone to no-one :p

Oh and I did put me coat on and march down to the manager's office and tell her I had resigned...these things don't get the desired effect sometimes!

So come 12pm it was all over, just another day....

Dazed and confused

2008-03-10T14:39:00.001Z

Just a short blog today, lately I have been quite upset watching the telly box due to the monsters that grace it.

Condoleezza Rice was on the news the other day and I just sat back and thought 'what exactly is she?' I don't care what her job is, that's an easy label...but what is she?!

Her wikipedia page is amazingly boring,nearly all of the photos are the same. Her wearing a suit and grinning like a loon at the camera. Now I'm not one to start conspiracy theories but there is something quite sinister about Ms Rice, maybe one day my fears will be confirmed. For now I just need to work out if she came from the sea or was born on land!

The next person confuses me only because her face is a muddle, Kate Silverton has a face that only a mother who had to go through IVF could love (is that below the belt?? Oh come on it's only a joke!)

The other day she looked like a man in a dress, today she looked like a Mr potato head that had too many pieces stuck to it. She must go to bed and wake up with a different disarrangement of features each and every day!

Just in case you don't know who either of these women are I have included photos for your 'enjoyment'

' Kate Silverton

Condoleezza Rice

Religion Rated

2008-02-25T11:56:00.001Z

It's a sorry state of affairs when a book titled 'THE BIBLE FOR TODDLERS' can be purchased from your local Waterstones.

I am not religious, but I don't have anything against people who practice religion...as long as they don't practice it all over me. If you believe in something then keep that to yourself, spreading the word is not fair.

One of the biggest problems with religion is the fact that it can be introduced to a child, a child who will believe anything they are told. A child growing up in a religious environment is more likely to hear the 'history of the world' before they hear the history of their own family. Religion will be placed next to every meal,before every time they close their eyes to sleep. And you know, hear something enough times....

A child believes in Santa,the tooth fairy,the Easter bunny....all of these things are believed even though as an adult we can see the problem in having flying reindeers and overweight diabetic bunnies prancing about.

A child doesn't need much explanation, if their parents tell them something then it pretty much becomes gospel. Now imagine being told that same thing every day for the first 18 years of your life. No matter what other people say you will believe it, no-one wants their parents called liars.

The child then becomes an adult who has been 'infected' with what they were forced to live with,the day they have children they will continue what their parents started.

I think religion shouldn't be introduced until the age of 18. Parents are always quick to say how violent video games will warp the minds of children, but they will then return home to their 5 year old son and read him the story of god as a bedtime story. I have heard many stories as a child, I didn't realise Sweeney Todd was a fictional tale until a few years ago....I'm just trying to make the point that as a kid we are easily lead, our growing minds are easily furnished with truth and lies.

At the age of 18, having had no direct contact up to that point you are mature enough to make up your own mind on the matter.

Now you may think 'there are worse things that religion out there' but sadly religion is the seed of most evil, the victims of 9/11 didn't die because of shoddy workmanship of the towers they were working in.

Joe Tribe, so far!

2008-01-25T22:49:00.001Z

I'm not famous, nor do I crave fame. Not many people really care if I blog or not,not many people would notice if I vanished for a few months (maybe the cat would worry and call the cat Samaritans, who would tell her she has had one too many catnip shots and put the phone down on her)

But hey, why not fill you in on me...bit by bit (blog by blog)

MAY,1988 (exact date is not important unless you plan on buying me a card this year...just one measly card, that's all I ask!

Barking hospital, Joe Tribe is born alive and well. I'm not sure how much I weighed and nor do I know why anyone cares about a baby's weight. They should weigh baby's in animal terms, would make the whole thing a lot more interesting. Mrs Jones, your baby boy weighs 2 hungry moles and a weasel

So anyway I'm on the world, all breathing and making stupid noises with the mouth I had been blessed with. My mum and dad were not married so I was born a bastard, bodes well for later life!

So I think I did the being alive thing pretty well, managed to get through a few years...got the hang of not being in a womb. I really can't tell you much about my infant years as I was too busy enjoying life to start storing everything in my memory bank. You try and remember what you were doing between the ages of 1 and 5, it's just a blur of things your family tell you and you say 'Oh yea, I remember that' (like shit you do) it's also a blur of things you saw on telly at about 9years old and managed to trick yourself into thinking happened as a growing child. If you were to ask me where I spent weekends as a kid I would prob say on a magic roundabout that was run by a spring with a face and a rabbit on drugs....then you would reach over to the phone and get in touch with social services faster than a flower can run in the annual flower marathon. Erm anyway....

It's not that I spent too much time in front of the telly, its that the bits I remember have managed to tie their self into my actual real life I lead! Maybe that is too much telly then, who am I to say exactly how much is too much ;)

END OF PART ONE

So that's the baby chapter outta the way, you may be not be surprised to hear that the chapters soon to come are:

Being a toddler

Being 10

Being a teen

Being a teen, but being a teen that wasn't the same teen I was at 13..if you know what I mean?

Ending my teenage years

This blog that you just read with your rounded eyes that live inside your skull may alter over the coming days, photos will be added and more information will be put to words after I discuss with me mum the things I can't remember myself. I'll call it the Mummy's cut....which is a clever take on the DIRECTOR'S CUT and the fact I was circumcised by my mum when she came home late and full of alcohol (Tis a joke, me mum doesn't come home late)

Until next time...

Tribee's Bobble!

2008-01-08T21:23:00.001Z

Tribee's blogroll now has a sister, an uglier sister at that. But this sister is far more vocal, it's the new podcast I have been planning. It took a good few hours to record and put together, but it is finally here! For the moment I have a link to download it for everyone, but in the coming days it will appear on itunes and can be subscribed to!

It's pretty special, if viewed on itunes it has images to go with the words :p I'm a total technophobe and required all the special bits to be done for me (although I did the editing all on me ownsome!)

The first bobble (my own little word for my podcast) was recorded on location in calella, a town on the Costa Brava...it just so happens that the bobble is all about the holiday. But don't expect a raving review, it was f*cking awful!

Every week it shall have a guest star, me talking into a microphone would be rather poor to listen to..on par with a cat having sex at the dead of night. The first podcast's guest star is TIGZ, as well as a couple of vodkas to get the banter going!

Give it a go, listen to the first 5minutes and see if you can stand it,or even try to listen to the whole thing. I don't know if it will be hated or loved, the test audience (mum and her boyfriend!) seemed to enjoy it but at the end of the day it's all up to you folk!

Give it a go, much love!

http://www.markhorton.com/tribeesbobble/feed.xml

Bye Bye 2007

2007-12-30T23:44:00.000Z

This is the last blog from me in 2007, so I could do something bloody amazing and write a blog that people would actualy want to read,or do what end of year television is best at and showcase the BEST BITS of this year. Sadly it was a wet year,wet...depressing and not worth putting into words. What I thought of the world in general has already been blogged to death anyway...

2008 is a proper step into the new age...now I understand how to operate a door I have taken the next step. Podcasts!Expect nothing, then you won't be dissapointed.
My voice in your ears, what more could you want? And for those readers across the pond (samantha) you will hear my rough London accent in all it's glory!

Getting through a year of blogging is like receiving an award for me, sadly my blogs are not good enough to ACTUALY receive such an honour but I wouldn't be blogging if I thought no-one was reading so the thought people want to read the nonsense that comes out of my mind makes me feel warm inside :)

I did try to blog day by day, but that's pretty darn demanding don't ya know?! So for 2008 with the podcasts it will be a weekly look at the news. Im excited, join hands and let us dance until dawn.

The year in general has been a bit bland, and when it wasn't it was pants...so let us not dwell too much on 2007.

Thank you for reading these virtual pages of absolute waffle though, keeps me going!

132 POSTS
5010 VIEWS

1 BLOG, TRIBEE'S BLOGROLL. WIPE YOUR EYES WITH THIS!

Much love! x

The blog before christmas

2007-12-20T22:15:00.000Z

This is the final blog before christmas, so there are many different ways I could go...I could take a step in the direction of santa, or a leap in the area of religion. Instead I choose to blog something that many people do every year,something very little to do with the 'real' meaning of christmas but still very important.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

This year,more so than any other I got hit hard by the 'joy' of xmas shopping. Well, what can I say....

MORONS,FUCKING IDIOTS shop in the final weeks leading upto xmas...and I was one of them. Pushed,shoved and tripped through shopping centres and high streets. I have never seen anything like it, the carparks are heaving and the seats on buses are full of earth polluting carrier bags carrying presents that will be returned come the January sales.

The shelves are half empty, you spend days looking for the perfect present only to find that it has been removed from the face of the earth and shall only be returned in the new year. Kids are off school,therefore they are filling the streets with their screaming. The shops have the heating on far too high,the streets are far too cold and the music is the same every year. Okay you can sing along but the novelty soon wears off when you realise humming the tune to WHAM won't get you to the front of the que any quicker!

People are stopping in the streets to tell their friends about what they have planned new years eve (oh getting pissed AGAIN, how original),old people are complaining and 50+ new 'christmas warehouses' have cropped up replacing the abandoned shops that only sell fireworks any other time of the year.

Merry Xmas to you all!

Hop along!

2007-11-20T13:20:00.000Z

I have managed to ignore everything that happened between heather mccartney for two reasons, I don't give a toss and I don't read THE SUN.
But I have to admit recently her behaviour has interested me, I would rather watch someone break down and crumble before my eyes than just get divorced and live happy ever after, it's what draws me to AMY WINEHOUSE, that girl is well on her way to an early grave, and the world is watching.

So I first became interested in the wonky walking disaster zone that is Heather Mccartney when she had that rant on GMTV...since then she has had two more odd media bust-ups. The one thing you will notice during these interviews is that she always tries to insert the fact that she is a charity fanatic, that she has helped people across the world and no-one ever mentions that. (luckily we have her to remind us on a daily basis)

The media don't care about how much charity work she does, THE SUN had it's fill with Princess Di, everyone after that are just arrogant bastards in their eyes. How much stick does BONO get? (why do I detest a man that tries to help? It's those glasses im sure!) The papers,the television...they want something they can really sink their teeth into, and what's better than that money hungry one legged beanhead?

This woman needs to understand that no matter how hard she tries to waffle about the next good thing she is doing for global warming, only know her as the woman who is trying to take large amounts of money out of 'their' paul mccartney (as much as she denies it, the public have already made their decision)

The latest chairty bandwagon this sorry state has jumped onto is VIVA! I would tell you what they do, but I choose not to...wikipedia it!

So how do we tackle GLOBAL WARMING?
One of her solutions is of course one of the many overlooked ways to end global warming, to drink rat milk.

So as she swims in carrier bags in the back of her polluting 4x4 in the middle of hyde park she is trying to tell us that cat,rat and dog milk would be a better option than cow milk. Now call me crazy, but WHAT THE F*CK?!

I own 8 rats, and I can't squeeze enough milk out of them to fill a thimble of cornflakes! (although 5 of the rats are male, I don't think that was milk I forced out of them)

Why couldnt pegleg choose a charity that doesnt aim to do such odd things to help global warming? Well no-one would talk about her otherwise. She may moan that the media have their nose firmly lodged in her letterbox (not a youthinism) but she feeds off of it.

I held an interview with one of my pet rats about what could be expected of her grandkids:

ME: Hobble wants rats to be the new provider of milk to be consumed by humans, what's your thoughts?

TREVOR (mother of 6): That crooked legged muppet hasn't got a clue, I became stick thin when I had to feed 6 and that was only for a couple of months. If I had been hooked up to supply ASDA for the rest of my life the milk would have been VERY sour

So that's from the rat's mouth, they don't want to be part of this sick practice!

You won't believe who is a fan of Amy Winehouse...

2007-11-15T01:17:00.000Z

Of all the people in the world, I would never have thought that frakenstein was such a fan of Winehouse and her boozy ways.

As Amy begins her tour (we shall see how long she lasts, the crazy alchie!) it appears that fans are doing their best attempts at butchering every last song she has sung and then uploading them to youtube for all to see.

And the video I am most fond of...well it has to be this little gem that is clearly Frankensteins' monster in his mothers best wig giving it all he can muster after having a few volts put through his body.

I love the way this person has gone to some sort of effort (although clearly not alot) to style their hair to resemble Amy's beehive....shame they forgot what the beehive actualy looks like and indeed how Ms Winehouse sounds. It's a mixture of the pure awfulness of it all,the smug look every now and again and staring at the computer screen most of the video (no doubt on lyrics.com...if your going to do a youtube video and showcase your talent, don't worry about learning the lines)

This may not be the worst cover of a song, nor is it the worst attempt to look like a famous singer (stars in their eyes did some piss poor makeovers on folk!) but this is surely one of the oddest videos you have sat down to view.

Here I present FRANKENSTEINS' MONSTER: Doing Amy

(Tone deaf springs to mind)

Fishy smells? Febreze them out the window!

2007-11-08T13:15:00.000Z

Ever since I have seen the latest febreze advert I have been both amused and bemused....but I do have a soft spot for it, because it is utter nonsense!

"IT'S BAD ENOUGH HAVING YOUR HOME SMELL LIKE FISH"

That's the starting line, it's as if we all have a house that smells like dying cod! You can imagine the estate agent selling one of these houses...

"So this is the second bedroom, and yes, that is the strong smell of fish. Like home from home"

Do you see where i'm ranting off to here? The advert is implying we all have homes that smell like fish....and if that wasn't bad enough...

"....but is covering it up with lots of flowers really making it better?"

Haha, so now they imply that we all throw petals down over the fish to try and rid the room of the smell. Actualy I do normaly enter through my front door and wipe my feet on the lavendar welcome mat before taking my shoes off and walking across the fish covered carpet. I guess they base these ads on truth!

Now the visual aids in this advert are what makes it truly special in my heart!

When the ol 'Fishy house' line is delivered we see a showering of fish from ceiling to floor whilst the people sitting down sniff the air. F*ck the smell of sun dried haddock, what about the hole in your roof that is directly below the 4th dimension where fish fall frequently throughout the year....what's that about?!

Then when the voiceover asks us if covering it up with flowers is really making it better we get a pretty display of red petals falling from the ceiling. Now I would really get in touch with the landlord or at least the local exorcist! Imagine settling down to watch eastenders only for a torrent of fish to shower the tele followed by a dash of petals!

Having dinner parties would be a blast, everyone sitting around the table with half filled plates until the host shouts

"Here we go, hold your plate out...the fish is here"

Then the magical hole in the ceiling shits out barrells full of anchovies!

"Oh, and now we have the decoration"

Seconds later the guests are covered in petals and plates full of fresh fish!

And the best visual aid? Well that would be the febreze that makes the fish AND the petals fly out the window!

FISH ALL OVER THE FLOOR? CARPETS OF PLAICE? WHY NOT FEBREZE THEM ALL OUT THE WINDOW?!

Try to watch the ad, it's short but it's sweet :)

Gloved hands don't protect the mind of an innocent child

2007-10-28T00:15:00.000+01:00

Yet another sparkler advert has been churned out, it's this time of year when fireworks crowd the night sky that we get the warning ads that have a very retro feel to them. It's like the old public warning videos, but nowdays they add a little 'humor' to get a serious message across lightheartidly.

The thing is I was raised on the scary ads, the ones that make you fear sparklers more so than the fireworks

WEAR GLOVES, OR BURN YOUR HANDS AND DIE!

I was scared shitless, for years I declined to join others in writing my name in thin air because I was scared that my fingers would drop off! And when a child is handed a sparkler their parents suddenly become extremely overprotective, even though the sparks fizzle out by the time they reach your gloved hands they shout at you as it get's lower,

DROP IT! PUT IT IN THE BUCKET!

Oh god, oh god! The loud bangs of the fireworks ring throughout the sky,burning hot empty shells are showering around you and you are holding what you are lead to believe is a time bomb waiting to go off. This is fun for kids so they tell me!

When I did give it a go I never asked for another one like other children, I just sat down and let out a sigh of relief....that was it for another year.

The good,the demented and the ugly

2007-10-21T21:27:00.000+01:00

I love my new job caring for the old folk, with most of the old folk having dementia I enjoy it even more. It's non-stop comedy with fresh material every day (as the same people forget they were only speaking 20minutes before)

Today I wiped a tear from my worn face as another 'sketch' was played before me...

To protect the innocent let us call the two residents gladys and pearl (two names you don't see on many kids nowdays, it's all paris this and brooklyn that!)

Now Gladys has dementia, she is extremly old (born before 1905)and talks to herself all day long, as in talks back to herself. A one woman conversation (funny enough on it's own)

Next we have Pearl, Pearl has dementia and is not as old..she doesn't talk to herself but is constantly very confused and mostly spends the day wandering around in a daze.

Put these two together and you have what BBC2'S 'Thursdays are funny' should have been.

Gladys has a handbag she carries with her everywhere, whilst sitting down next to Pearl she noticed Pearl also has a handbag...infact Gladys isn't daft at all and realised the bag was infact hers.
She asked Pearl where her bag was, Pearl (clutching her loot tightly)helped look around the chair for it.

I started to chuckle to meself, I looked up from staring blankly at the floor to fully engross meself in the entertainment.

Gladys decided enough was enough, now sure the bag was hers she tried to grab it, Pearl held tightly and said "I'm the elder of the two, I should have the bag...anyway look at it, it's all tatty"
Gladys was of course getting slightly irritated now and asked to see inside, they slowly opened it and Gladys pulled out her purse shouting "That's my purse" to which Pearl replied "Well you take that and i'll have the money"

The two then began to pull at the bag and argue...obviously it would be cruel to let an old woman have her bag taken whilst the other tells her she has infact owned it for 20years (like at school when that bastard bully steals your pencil case....grrrr)
So I explained (after quite a bit more shouting)

5minutes later the two old dears are rambling away like best mates. Dementia...what a cruel and wicked mental illness (and yet how funny for those around)

It made me think how these old women were like furbys (yep, don't pretend you don't know what a furby is, you had one...)
Furbys could be put together and would have a conversation, it mostly was random and didn't work very often. When it did it made no sense.

Okay a furby never ran out of batteries after a 10minute argument over who stole it's handbag, but you know what i'm trying to say :)

The conspiracy files

2007-10-09T13:28:00.000+01:00

Why do people not understand what is laid on the plate infront of them? Recently I have noticed just how many people are convincing themselves and others that 9/11 was not all it seemed.
Add 9 and 11 and you get *counts on fingers* 20, there we go. That means nothing...stop trying to add numbers and get an answer.

Conspiracy therories will be around as long as us humans exist, but sometimes it goes beyond ridiculous.

If it were up to these sort of people this is the world we would live in:

Tuesday 9th october-The sun

Elvis is to start his huge comeback tour now that all his previous hits have been rehashed to within an inch of their life.
A source close to THE SUN can report that he has had enough of half arsed dance remixes and thinks it's time the KING came back and showed the kids what ELVIS is all about. We found some 'kids' mugging an old woman and asked them if they were excited about the return of THE KING

"Couldn't give a f*ck mate,you ain't got a light have ya??"

Tickets are going on sale this saturday head to head with the spice girls, let the battle of the bitches begin!

NASA moon landing experience- Evening standard

NASA have opened the doors to the studio used in the 1969 moon landing today, the pulblic can now tread over the same soundstage that Buzz Aldrin once graced. The set has remained practicaly unused (eastenders once hired the set for three days). A gift shop has been installed just behind a small crater offering the usual tacky souveniers you can expect to see at such exibitions.
Tickets are on sale for $45 per person *this includes children*

Shakescare- London lite

Madame Tussauds unveiled their latest addition to the chamber of horrors during a C-list packed function last night. William shakespeare can now be seen alongside Hitler and Jack the ripper. It was made public two months ago that william shakespeare was in fact a drunken lady of the night who wrote rude poems on the back of used tissues. Although she never commited murder like most of her new neighbours the Tussauds group say,

"She has basicaly murdered every school child who ever had to study her work, we were tricked into thinking lude remarks and sexualy explicit stories were in fact brilliant pieces of art"

Steven fry was asked about his thoughts on the new exibit after filming QI last night, to which he responded

"Good f*cking riddance, that t*sser had us all making sense of what has turnt out to be the most horrific use of sexual slurs I have yet to encounter"

The Tube comes up trumps!

2007-10-04T16:38:00.000+01:00

World travellers have voted London the best city for public transport, as well as of course saying how they believed it to be the most expensive. So at the end of the article we get the statement:

"It's proof that even when it comes to riding a bus or a subway, you get what you pay for."

Oh okay, so paying £35 a week for a zone 1-5 travelcard gets me a tube train that smells faintly of dying mice (not quite ripe, but on their way out) at least one seat covered in a substance I would be scared to guess at and the hottest,sweatiest,smelliest most horrific journeys during the summer.

Then of course we have the bus, those windows that do sod all unless you are sitting at the back,the school run making it unbearable and no where to sit (this also happens on the tube)

If I was getting what I paid for I would expect the following:

Someone to open the door and welcome me aboard (instead of getting barged out the way)

Guided to my seat (not fight for a seat)

Asked if the air conditioning is just the right side of cool (instead of having to strip just to feel a breeze)

Offered a wide selection of snacks and drinks (instead of peeling chewing gum off my arse)

Given the morning paper (not peel a 2nd hand copy of the metro off the floor)

Have a fast and efficient service all the way to my destination (constant stops anyone?Sitting in the tunnel for 15minutes?)

I also want leather seats, the choice of who sits next to me and somewhere to put my feet up. Of course that is asking too much, but you know...with the money TFL is taken off us it wouldn't be half bad to not have strikes threaten our journeys and having to wait half hour only for the bus to be full when it arrives. Gosh!

The sole problem

2007-09-30T17:05:00.000+01:00

My worst phobia, of course dying is also one but I think that comes as standard with being alive.
One thing I cannot stand but manages to make it's way on to television more than not is feet...I can cope with the top, but the camera always pans down to the sole! I hate the soles of feet, I can't stand my own and I cannot stand others...If someone touches their own foot in front of me or that bloody vercua advert comes on then I cringe and run screaming from the scene.

A lot of people have their phobias acounted for,you don't see spiders and snakes on the telebox all the time. Feet though, the majority of people have a pair and I know that I am going to have to encounter them a lot more before the end of my life. The very sight of the bottom of anyones foot, no matter how pretty you believe them to be (although I'm not sure how a foot is ever given such a label) turns my stomach.

There is only one thing worse than the sole of the foot, and that has to be feet that have been in the bath too long. You know that fecking horrible wrinkled thing that happens, *shudder* seriously i'm finding it hard to type! And then the next thing worse than just a wrinkled foot,someone touching their own wrinkled foot (runs to the nearest bucket of sand)

*urrgggghhh* There's a reason our feet are the furthest thing from our face on our body..they are not to be touched or looked at under any lighting.

And a common question when I tell people of this horrible curse I have been left with is "well how do you wash your own feet then?"

I NEVER scrub okay!! They get a soak in the bath,and the shower head reaches that far down! I can't go near them, especialy mine...blody size 12! That's more human foot than anyone should have to encounter in their life!

Chris crocker

2007-09-27T17:01:00.000+01:00

If you havn't heard of chris crocker then you are forgiven, he is not someone we all need to remember in years to come. He is another 'internet celeb'. If there is anything more fickle than fame then fame via the internet must be it.

So every now and again we are presented with someone who manages to get a few million views on youtube....how to achieve this? Well you can be a 60 year old man who sits in a dusty old moth ridden front room and tell us tales of your past and what you think of this everchanging world we live in,an actress pretending to just be a normal girl or a self confessed 'half boy half girl' who wears more makeup than a puppy in a lab.

See just how easy it is to be an internet star?!

Chris crocker takes the crown for being the oddest,most annoying,cringyworthy person I love to hate. I saw the britney spears vid as an introduction to the 'world of crocker' (you know the one, with all the crocodile tears and overacting)
I was traumatized for a good portion of the week, it wasn't because I had witnessed a boy who looks very much like a woman (not the first time or last time such a sight crosses my path im sure) but I think it was the irritating voice,the squeezed out tears and the fact he pegs hair to his head.

The odd thing is that instead of just leaving a paragraph of abuse on his youtube video like most other people do, I keep coming back to witness more video creations by this internet creature. I know its wrong to laugh, I know it's wrong to even smile...but the odd video is actualy quite funny.

The humor comes with the over the top character he is acting as, and I know he denies being an actor or acting in his videos but I can't believe that even if I wanted to.

Why isn't this blog taking the piss I hear you cry! Well you don't have to tell me twice, and as much as I seem to enjoy some of his video efforts (I don't know why) I can still be a nasty person....

Chris crocker is a c**t, with a c!

The day he stops making the videos is the day I stop bloody looking at them and then I can sleep in peace!

Happy endings?

2007-09-20T11:48:00.000+01:00

I watched PANIC ROOM for the first time last night (courtesy of channel 5, I remember when it used to just be smut smut smut...those were the best days of my life!) Although I moaned about the odd thing, "why did she do that? Would have been easier to....." etc I did enjoy the movie until the ending poked it's ugly head around the corner.
The movie ends on a sort of anti-climax, the music got all dramatic and then the screen faded to black. I didn't feel cheated, just mildly aroused! Then another scene strolled into the film, a pointless crappy scene that had no place in any movie. It was the HAPPY ENDING, the last shot should have been Jodie fosters' face covered in blood....but instead we get this awful,shoddy 30 second ending that had nothing to do with anything. It was just the mother and kid looking through a paper for somewhere new to live. I knew it was suspect, what had been quite a good film ended with a dodgy little scene that made me angry and go "what was that about"

SO of course I trundled over to wikipedia (im a bit of a freak,but you already knew that) and what do you know....the scene was added against the directors will because the test screen audience felt the film ended to abruptly. And so we end up with a happy crappy ending, and it's because of the soppy americans who needed a feel good ending, even to a thriller. The fools! The scene is a total contrast to the rest of the movie,the colours are a lot brighter...it's sickly sweet. It was put in because the audience couldn't cope with a ending that didn't tie up all the loose ends,and I bet 23p it was an american audience. I don't like to lump all americans into one category...but I just did!

Pig in a wig!

2007-09-12T17:23:00.000+01:00

So no doubt everyone has caught a glimpse of britney miming her way onto stage in whatever the wardrobe threw at her on the way out, what a sight for sore eyes! I have to say I actualy like her new track (the shame, throw whatever you must at me...the guilt runs through my veins!) but her new track and watching her stumble around on stage left me dazed and confused. No longer could I hear the song she was moving her lips to, all I could see was the product of a child who has been in the spotlight for far too long.
Anyone who watched that performance should be concerned, the poor woman is clearly 'rough as arseholes' (well I can be sympathetic and insulting). If I wanted to see a pig in a dress I would have booked tickets for celine dion.

That woman is in no fit state to be recording an album and soon after tour, she should go back to her caravan and just raise her family. We will always remember her as that girl with pigtails who pranced her way around her high school gym....let us erase the images of the past year clear out our mind!

R.I.P Britney spears!

Men dealt a poor hand

2007-09-10T11:55:00.000+01:00

It is my duty to moan, and today that is exactly what I shall do!

Why is it that clothes stores that stock both men and women's clothes (think next,river island and the such) have decided that men would prefer the long trek up stairs before they can begin browsing. Always the same thing, mens upstairs :( And of course after you have climbed the stairs you are in a shop's 'loft'. It's small, it's hot and there is a bunch of crap lying around. The thing is, the store has already asked that you take part in a mild level of exercise, next they have not even bothered to put a fan on or just have a guy waving his arms around to create a little breeze and to top it all they don't even give you your own floor to enjoy. Men's wear normaly end up mixed with other shite the store had no other room for, why oh why are we being dealt such a poor hand??

On the subject of mens wear, has anyone seen H&M's mens wear? No seriously, I can't find it! It's very hit and miss with H&M,you never know if each store will have the mens section, and when they do it's just a corner. I predict H&M will be phasing out the mens wear to make room for more madonna branded threads (Who wouldn't want a 50 year olds seal of approval?)

So to summarise today's rant, if you are going to add a mens wear area to your store then why not treat them just as well as your lady customers, a little air con and oh I don't know...a lift wouldn't kill anyone! Yes if women had to walk up stairs to get to their range i'm sure no-one would moan...I am meant to be a man, why moan? It's part of a contract I signed when the doctor spotted my penis on birth. But I like to moan,I have walked up enough fucking stairs only to walk into a stuffy understocked mens section to be hot headed!

The big questions...

2007-08-29T16:03:00.000+01:00

When you can't think of anything else to blog, why not blog the questions everyone asks? Okay you don't really care what my answers are, but just in case you do..here it is!

MEANING OF LIFE?

What is the meaning of life then? Well it depends on what you want to do with it. There is no overall meaning, we live...we breed a bit,we appear on The Jeremy kyle show after forgetting who we bred with and then we die! Just remember that life does come to an end, and it can be anyday so while you are still living try to build a life story that's worth reading on your deathbed. Who wants to regret their whole existence at the end of the road? Not me!

CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

Chances are it was the egg, or what was in the egg...that being the chicken! Oh dear, i'm tackling something far bigger than I can handle here (don't hear that often) I have always thought though that the change to whatever was before the chicken happened in the egg. I'm sure you can just wikipedia it nowdays anyway and prove me wrong.

RELIGION?

Religion was created to keep people at bay, a bunch of laws and a back story that is laughable. I like the way people laugh off doctors medicine from back in the day, and the way witches were burnt at the stake and yet the same set of people who believed all this shite were well into the bible. Why are people still reading a book that was written by people who thought the world was flat?? It causes more trouble that it's worth, but if you think you will sleep easier at night knowing there is an afterlife then so be it.

DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?

I doesn't matter what anyone says, you have made your mind up. Anyway I think big bums are 'big' this season (as if I even know when the season starts and ends!)

So anyway that's all I could think of at the minute, if you have any bigger (or smaller, size doesn't matter) questions you want to share then do send them to the usual address :)

Me and the buses...again!

2007-08-11T12:18:00.000+01:00

I don't have much luck with public transport it seems, I am forever moaning about it. But having watched tube fares go from 50p one way upto (I have no idea what it is nowdays, just I know it's not 50p) and bus fares from rise and rise from what was once 40p I think i'm entitled to have a groan about it all.

I have been getting the 173 bus for years and years, I have suffered the intense heat that comes with travelling on them. I have sat in hours worth of traffic whilst the A13 was tarted up, I have sat next to some of the oddest creatures to ever own an oyster card and as time has flown I have grown. I'm 6 foot something and my legs are rather long as you can imagine. Buses are a nightmare at the best of times to sit on, I hate doing it but sometimes I have to sit sideways to fit my legs in...and of course with that I get people giving me daggers because i'm taking up so much space.

With seats at the back of the bus (not the very back, that's the mobile music festival),the ones that are raised above the wheel I can position my knees either side of the seat in front without causing any distress to me or anyone else. Now for some unknown reason, ARRIVA have decided to put metal plates at the exact place my knees had found sanctuary! Why? I don't know!

So as if the bus journey wasn't painful enough already, I have my knees crushed into a solid metal plate just for 'fits and giggles'. I am the sort of person who will now go and write to ARRIVA asking why they have fitted them, i'm an old man at heart and the world is out to get me!

On a brighter note, I managed to catch a bus the other day that had actual (I kid you not) AIR CON! Are you woundering if i'm going to moan about it? Well of course I am! No seriously it was a breathe of fresh air (or a lungful of machine made air). It actualy blows really hard (...I'm sure you don't need this bracketed area to make a joke of that) and is rather chilly. They have fitted them under the seats where the heaters would norm be (you know, the ones they keep on all year around). As well as having these powerful cold air blowing monsters living under the seat they have removed all the heaters. I was rather impressed :)

That is all!

Supermarket sweep!

2007-08-08T13:09:00.000+01:00

Welcome to another addition of 'TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE OUTSIDE WORLD'
Today we are to venture into the supermarket!

3 out of 5 times picking up a basket will result in more hassle than it should be, the baskets sit there linking together to cause you great embarrasment when you pick one up and the one stuck underneath falls to the floor, which in turn get's you noticed by security and everyone who is trying to get a basket as well. You are now a 'nuisance shopper' in the eyes of everyone trying to get around you!

Know what you want and get it, although this is hard when the stores splash products across the shopfloor meaning you pass by something you will want but not need on the way.

People have a habit of standing in the middle of the aisle and chatting about how life is treating them, expect groups of upto four people...normaly with a buggy and two trolleys. These people will not move for anyone, your basket is your weapon. Use it!

Asking for help is like dancing for rain, not worth the hassle and you are bound to be soaked if they respond (There will always be a spitty member of staff, must be equal ops)

You will always see a fat person debating with themselves whether they should buy that entire chocolate cake, knowing people will assume it is just for them. We do, enjoy the show!

If you are to use a self service till check for the following in the que:

Old people, Couple with trolley, Nervous looking bald bloke and woman chatting on mobile

DO NOT USE THE SELF SERVICE TILL if any of these are in front, they are the thorn in every other shopper's arse!

Carrier bags are the work of the devil, they are too fiddly and normaly end up with you rocking back and forth telling yourself next time someone else will do the shopping instead

The security will remember you as the 'basket case' and will expect the alarms to go off as you exit, and they will...you always walk out with someone who is trying to steal a shampoo or whatever the youth are after these days. Funny thing is you will walk on hoping they just leave you alone, you are innocent after all. This causes a chase, ending up with a bruise across the right cheek and shopping rolling into the road...well, might as well end this silly blog with something a little dramatic!

Put a smile on my face :)

2007-08-07T17:58:00.000+01:00

Hadn't really had a bad day, but rarely do I muster the will to smile on public transport...the smell,the people,the intense heat..oh what am I moaning about?

Tonight though I found myself cracking a smile in public (hard at the best of times) as two 'middle aged women' (is that okay to say? They were around about 40-45..I believe that to be the middle age!) discussed important matters on their journey home. I'm not one to listen in on others conversations (although that's what this blog is based on) but my earphones were annoying me so I found myself aware of what people were saying.

The woman leaning against the window made me smile to myself shortly after a bloke had got off the bus and said 'hi' in a friendly manner, you know...smiling :) I thought little of it, not until 2minutes later when the woman grinned and told her friend how two years before he had proposed and she turned him down. It was the 'I broke his heart' followed by a really wicked cackle and a huge grin from ear to ear. Cruel, but made 5minutes of my journey more interesting that counting how many seats would be filled until someone came and sat next to me.

Shortly after they were talking about going on holiday and they ended up getting to the subject of THE SUN (not the one that had aged them rapidly, just the racist,sexist homophobic paper we all hate to love) then the heart breaker said how it costs about £2 out there "£2?!" replied her appalled friend, "yea, you can buy three with that amount over here"
And so I worked out just how expensive THE SUN has become over the years! Not only was the maths pretty darn awful but the very fact they could go on holiday and still want to read the bloody paper amazes me!

Anyway, that is all. Thought it deserved some air time :)

Tips for surviving the outside world: Volume one

2007-08-06T11:58:00.000+01:00

Welcome to the public information blog as bought to you by JOE TRIBE, outside your front door the world is moving at a fast pace and I am here to help guide you through some everyday tasks.

CROSSING THE ROAD

With the amount of traffic on the streets it is fact that one in every other car is a total tosser and has only one thing on their mind...bloodlust! Traffic lights and zebra crossings mean nothing to these 'creatures'. There are a few simple steps to crossing the road without losing a great amount of blood or dignity:

Remember that everyone else will act as the barrier between you and the car, doubtful about crossing? Well get behind two or three people...chances are they will be sprawled across the road whilst you have time to get out of the way.

Don't cross half-arsed and draggin your heels, the car drivers sense your non-urgency to get around and can become very irrate. Expect the air to turn blue (and claret if you continue to take your time)

REMEMBER, do NOT curse or wave your arms in an aggresive manor back at the drivers. They have a machine at their feet and are NOT afraid to help you get up close and personal with the tarmac. If they honk their horn or show any sign of being angry then fucking run! They are lunatics!

Thank you for reading this volume on how to survive the outside world, next time we take a trip to the local supermarket and try to get out without having bought more than we went in for. THEY ARE EVIL, ignore the promotions!

What's wrong with the BNP?

2007-08-02T18:46:00.000+01:00

I read a report today how vodafone and first direct have pulled ads on facebook because they ended up plonked right next to that racist bunch of pitch fork waving BNP...but it wasn't that part of the story that interested me greatly it was the quote from the BNP themselves...

"There is no reason at all why anyone should avoid the BNP. There's nothing wrong with the BNP"

Now at 19 and living in dagenham (we voted BNP, hurrah....*the shame*) I had a pretty good idea why people would want to avoid the BNP, but I don't know all the facts so I pointed my larger than normal sized human nose in the direction of wikipedia and searched BNP. After a few minutes of the screen flickering and blood red 666 flashing in front of my face the page welcomed me in, and the reason the BNP may have some trouble having virtual neighbours could be down to...

"committed to stemming and reversing the tide of non-white immigration and to restoring, by legal changes, negotiation and consent the overwhelmingly white makeup of the British population that existed in Britain prior to 1948"

Which is of course a party living in the past, wishing life was like thier grandparents tell them of many moons ago. 1948 is a loooong time ago, let us walk on wards and upwards, immigration can be a good thing,trying to throw out 'non-white' immigrants is something feels like a very dated thing to achieve

Grow up BNP and get with the times, just because you think you are the british bulldog of goverment (the bulldog that is also fading into the past) using words you had to spell check doesn't make you any less of a bunch of racists.

It's the childlike 'innocence' of the BNP that I struggle to believe, they hear big bad companies don't want to play in the same spot of playground as them and they go and tell the teacher "There's nothing wrong with BNP"

Nope, just the dated views of balding middle aged men who need to be noticed somehow

Where is that person?

2007-07-30T18:11:00.000+01:00

Of all the things I would like to do before I die I think there is one I lust after the most, it is possible for some and yet many people don't care or think about it. I would like to meet someone who changes my life, someone who gives me a fresh look on the world.
They don't need to be someone I have a relationship with, just someone who wakes me up from this dreary world I wade through. Maybe I only meet this person once, maybe they have just one conversation with me....but where are they?

What could be better than someone waking me up from this little world I have weaved, I have set my own rules...my own opinions (be they wrong or right) I'm living as I see fit, when will someone just slap me around the face and show me more angles to life...not just the straight and narrow path I walk down now?

I have had someone tell me I have made an impact on their life (well two people...yea yea, i'll deflate me head on the way out) in a good way, when will I meet someone who can make me gasp out loud, hold my chest and look forward to a new life? I don't 'do' religion so you can wrap that up in soggy tissue and throw it elsewhere!

Why not meet that someone before I die? That someone who will show me there's more to life than what i'm doing. Send all candidates to the usual address! ;)

Is it just me?

Those MFI adverts....

2007-07-01T19:18:00.000+01:00

There is something a little 'off' or 'wrong' about those new MFI ads, instead of the usual looking at a kitchen or a sofa and telling us it's a limited offer (which returns month after month) it is very dark. And I don't just mean someone has blown the bulb.....I thought I was watching an RSPCC ad or something to do with reporting domestic violence, but it ended up being an almost lighthearted ad.

To be honest I wasn't sure if I should smile or cower under the cushion! There is very little funny about any of it, but the fact that it is for MFI meant I guessed it was a good thang! I realise it is meant to be a touch of comedy but I don't think showing constant family arguments is way to entice people into buying a new hob!

I think you need to have seen the ads to understand just how odd they are, I do like the fact they are nothing like the rest of the boring 'half price off this bank holiday if you bring a cat in a hat and stand on one leg for 5minutes'

And what do you know, here are links to the ones I am talking about. Have a looook!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=6SfUfu0PHx0

http://youtube.com/watch?v=UAvHIAPcqtA

Is it just me moaning about nothing as usual?!

Crime costs money, £500,000 to be exact

2007-06-22T13:38:00.000+01:00

So the already wealthy Paris Hilton (obviously on the back of that amazing album!) is about to pocket a few more pounds thanks to the media frenzy that is waiting at the prison gate like hungry dogs.

It is disgusting when a bidding war commences just for an interview from someone who can barely string a sentence together. I can already predict what will happen, that blonde haired goon will sit there with a few crocodile tears (which will be applied between takes) telling the world how it has changed her life and she is a better person now.

It rarely works in the 'real world' and many people don't feel they served their time, more like it became an inconvinience for them, they don't think twice before going out and drink driving all over again.

So what makes this ditzy airhead any different? The media may be watching her everymove,and I believe she will 'playact' for the cameras for the next month or so...going to church, crying in public, that sort of nonsense.

But the real difference between this plank and other offenders (apart from the obvious) is that she is set to make $1m in just one interview. That will be the exclusive, how about the countless amount of interviews and front page magazine deals soon after? My arse will any of that go to charity, it should all go....in fact, the television companies should not even be paying for the interview.

She was put in jail, she sobbed her way out after 4 days and she went back in. She isn't worth the time nor money!

From behind the bars she is already demanding who interview her, selecting the exact person. To me this doesn't sound like someone who cares if she broke the law or not. This is just another oppurtunity to grab a few more dollars for the collection..and what do you know, she just has.

Until next time...

What grinds my gears..

2007-06-20T15:32:00.000+01:00

Do you want to know what grinds my gears? Of course you do.....

When a CD player decides what CD's it will play...how does it know not to play the cds from my 'guilty secret' collection?!

When people go out onto the roads not entirely knowing how to drive, The best example of this had to be seen to be believed. A woman (not that i'm saying women are bad drivers!) drove across a junction into oncoming traffic! She must have thought it was a one way street or something...either way she was more than shocked to find a car coming her way and I had a jolly laugh about it for days after!

CARRIER BAGS! grrrrrr, why do supermarkets make it so damned hard to tear the bags off the hooks. I spend a good 2minutes pulling at the bags like a starved whore, sometimes the cashier sees me coming and prepares the bags for me. Just leave them loose gawdammit!

When things fall over for no real reason, i'll be sitting in my room and the ariel will fall off the tele or something from the shelf above me decides to take a dive

Ignorant bus drivers, you may hate your job but let's face it...you aint earning peanuts. Now cheer up!

Too many bubbles in the washing up bowl, I know I should put less liquid in but I don't know how to judge it all! I spend the next half hour cutting myself on knifes because I can't see the contents of the bowl

Music artists on an overkill mission, anyone care for anymore BEYONCE? How much of that can we fit into one year?!

The tube having neverending SIGNAL FAILURS, what are they exactly? All I know is they keep you trapped in a tunnel for 15minutes sweating and busting for a piss

Falling over in public, old people get a rush of people helping them up and I get funny looks and giggles.

People who think shouting into a phone makes it any clearer for the other person to hear...also putting the phone on loudspeaker and holding it to their head. What is that?!

When the old and retarded (oh yes, I went there) use the self serve tills in supermarkets, it's a sight worth seeing unless you are waiting behind them

Pens running out of ink at the worst possible times

CHRIS MOYLES

Light bulbs going out, why do they do it all with a song and dance? They can't just die quietly, they wait until you turn them on and then PING....gone.

People who let dogs shit over public areas and then don't pick it up....they will be the first to moan when they step in shite

MY FAMILY getting new series after new series....it isn't funny, who watches it?

HARRY POTTER movies, there is just something not right about them....but I still go to see them at the cinema. Yes, hurl potatoes at me. Go on!

DVDS that milk the public dry, spiderman 2.0 creeping its way onto the shelfs just before the 3rd one is released...x-men 1.5? What the feck?! LORD OF THE RINGS is the number one offender of the crime, churning out DVD after DVD year after year

BBC and ITV pitting two equaly bad MUSICAL TALENT SHOWS against each other at the same time

Flies getting in the house...they get in and never manage to work out how they should get back out...yes, headbutting the mirror might help. Hate them.

People who don't hold doors open for anyone but them selves, would it kill to trial out some manners?

Until next time...

What grinds my gears: Bus edition!

2007-06-17T20:47:00.000+01:00

Having used buses today I was presented with a whole host of crap to store in the back of my mind to either blog or wind myself up into an early grave. Public transport lays out the red carpet as far as grinding my gears goes!

When the bus driver sits at the stop as you run for it, then just as you get to the door......pulls away!

When everyone assumes because you are young and fit that you are not entitled to sit in the disabled seats, well they don't ask if I actualy have something wrong...just glare at me until I feel ashamed and hobble over to another seat. If someone else is on the bus with me then I loudly comment how my arthritis is playing me up.

Those bastards who get on through the middle doors, why am I paying actual human currency to use these things if others are happy to get a free ride!

The fact I had to pay for buses when I went to school and nowdays children under 16 (you are children, just because you swear and smoke doesn't make you any more adult) get on for free

When you are really close to your stop and someone with a lot of baggage (either carrier bags or folds of fat) comes and sits next to you...then looks at you shocked when you stand to get up.

People who want you to get up but don't say thank you after, there is no rule that I MUST stand when they want to get off. I go out of my way to stand up for them and I don't even get a thank you!

The fact buses nowdays have gone well out of their way to cater for the cripples (yep, I went there...again!) and prams. Sacrificing half the seats for NORMAL people! Oh yes we do have the whole top floor...but those stairs are a deathtrap!

Teenagers who believe we all must hear their music playing out of their phones...it isn't even something I can tap my foot to! One day I shall play beethovens 5th on full volume, that'll shock them nicely!

Those stupid windows, not only do they do nothing to cool you down but they also make an horrendous sound that gets you a bunch of dirty looks! All you did was open the ruddy window!

The heating that manages to stay on throughout the summer and is shutdown for the winter!

When people decide that one press of the bell is not enough, that 10 people should each have a go! The number 12 is the worst for that....I counted 13 presses of the bell before we rolled into the stop before...each done by a fuly grown adult!

Always managing to pick the broken seat or the one covered in some sort of fluid. Ahhhhh, that's why no-one else chose to sit there. grrrrrr!

When the bus is running early and so sits at bus stops for 5minutes each to make up for it, drives extremely slowly and makes sure to hit all the red lights. It's not my fought you rushed out of the garage, I waited as long as anyone else for the bus..why am I suffering?

People who skip in front of me at the bus que, or for that matter in front of everyone who has waited far longer than they have

The baby who cries the entire length of the journey

That's all I can think of for now, do feel free to add what grinds your gears when using buses. I shall blog once again next tuesday but may return to my vrtual postion before that. You know.....just to check my birthday messages. Oh you didn't know? Well....friday as seems as you asked :)

Until then.... xx

2012 olympic logo- Hate it or despise it?

2007-06-17T17:23:00.000+01:00

There has been a lot of hoo haa surrounding the release of the image that will represent the 2012 olympics....for £400,000 we have been lumped with something that wants to be graffiti, that wants to be 'street', that wants to shine....but ends up being nothing more than an alleyway doodle that barely sparkles!

The problem I have with it is that it took me 5minutes to work out what exactly it was trying to say...like when a death person decides to speak instead of using sign language.

To me it feels like the dirty unwanted love child of those capital FM adverts! It took me about 3 tube journeys to finaly understand that it was screaming 'THE KOOKS' at me...I could never find WALLY, so how on earth I am meant to pick out the letters on these adverts? I understand they have got my attention and done it in a clever way, but I still don't want to listen to capital FM no matter how many 'quirky' ads they throw out there. It is shite, if that is the sound of london then i'm moving out!

So the olympic logo also presented me with the same problem...I have to admit I did struggle to see what it said! But much like CAPITAL FM, I have never had an interest in the olympics and so this logo..although costing stupid amounts of money and ending up looking like something a toddler constructed with fuzzy felt I still have no interest in the olympics! Job done :)

Honestly though, £400,000 on the design for a logo? Who was getting this money? Whose pockets are loaded for life? It is an awful way to spend money...no matter if the logo had ended up looking great..I still would not have jumped for joy knowing money was being thrown down the drain over something so small.

I liked the logo we have been using for the past couple of years, it is simple and has the thames running through it. There we go, london and the olympics strung together in one neat package. We had trendy, now we have Quasimodo.

Until next time.... xx

Predictive text

2007-06-16T10:32:00.000+01:00

I have never like predictive text, it upsets me. There is only one thing that upsets me more than predictive text and that is someone telling me I should use it!

I type very fast texting in the usual way, I can choose to shorten words or spell them correctly (depends who I am texting, some people are very offended by proper spelling and vice versa) but with 'dictionary' (it's easier to call it that for this blog) it demands you spell things in full...and sometimes it can't understand the simple word you have entered and throws a hissy fit (no...maybe that's me!) which leaves you scrolling through a list of similar sounding words....by which time I would have sent the text away otherwise.

Maybe it's because like the stubborn old goat I am, I have become comfortable with my way of doing things and with all these 'younguns' nowdays telling me to use this new (apparently easier) way of achieving what I want I get angry and tell them to leave me alone to text in a dark corner!

Strangely it seems that older people are more likely to use dictionary though...in a survery conducted by me (involving 2 adults and 2 minors...well what do you want? I havn't the budget for a bigger survey! all those clipbaords and the such!) I noted both the adults would rather use dictionary compared to the two minors (one of which is me! Just because I don't like to think myself an adult quite yet!)

You can norm tell if you have recieved a text from someone using dictionary as some words can seem very out of place in the sentence, leaving you to work out the missing words...might as well rope in lily savage and make a bloody gameshow of it!

Not only does it take a little longer to type out what you want, the reader can end up taking longer to read it as well!

I say no to predictive text, it doesn't help me and we have had some heated debates in the past. I think i have spent about 5minutes altogether with it turned on, and I got rather cross and made myself a cup of hot tea with an umbrella sticking out of it. Take that!

REMEMBER, SAY NO TO PREDICTIVE TEXT!

until next time... xx